Do We Have A Purpose?

screen-shot-2014-06-21-at-11.34.56-am.pngI have to step back for a moment and really think about it.

I have to ask myself do I have a purpose? What could it possibly be? Is it something that will just come to me or do I have to go out there and actually find what it is I should be doing?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty sure we all have something we love doing, the one thing that you could see yourself doing forever, but what if you’re someone who is good at a lot of things? How can you pick just one thing to focus on? That’s where my problem lies.

I’m really great at communicating (I get nervous of course, but I know how to stop, take a breath, and continue on even when I experience a bit of “word-vomit”), I’m personable, I’m completely relatable, and I know how to connect with people on a personal level. I also am a creative person, that’s how I get excited about a lot of subjects. Anything that I feel is a creative outlet, I’m there. I am also into reading and writing (sounds incredibly cliched but it’s very true; I have a mountain of books and I have a story that I’m currently doing as well), heavily! I try to find new ways to express myself when it comes to writing. Hence why I do try to blog. Where I am somewhat of an extrovert, I do have my introvert moments. I like to stay behind sometimes, and I think that’s what’s keeping me from being even more out there. That’s hurting me but I don’t change it. Maybe I should?

This brings me to purpose and why it is I’m having a bit of a “time” with it. I know what I’m great at, then what I’m good at, and what I’m bad at. I try to focus on my strengths more than anything, but I also understand that I can’t do many things at once (or can I? See? That’s my problem!). I know I have to focus on one thing that I know I can do exceedingly well. The issue I’m having is can I turn that into something I can monetize so that I’m not a miserable Betty. Another thing is quantifying that and putting it into action someway, somehow. Then there is the over-saturation with the main thing I know I love, because now, everyone thinks they’re a guru and knows what they’re doing and talking about.

As of late, however, I have recently decided instead of continuously thinking about it, and talking about it, I should just put action behind it. I’ve been incredibly inspired by getting more into a few social media outlets that have connected me to a whole new source of strength; a renewed vision of what I want. I’m not saying I may have found my purpose, but I’m excited about something and I haven’t been in long time. It still ties into the main thing I really wanted to partake in, but I want to attack it in a different way, and get people really interested in it. The fact that I’m elated about it let’s me know I may be on the right path to finding what it is I want to do for the rest of my life.

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More Moves, Less Announcements

I’ve done a lot of reflecting, mainly while on the trolley on my way to work, and it has dawned on me that every time I have planned something, or let everyone know what I’m working on ahead of time, it never panned on. I don’t know if that’s silly superstition on my part, or the universe moving those plans around because I get so excited that I have to spread the news as far and wide as possible. At any rate, I said to myself, ‘Self, we need to just DO it, and not talk about it.’ Be about it. Makes more sense of course, but it’s always easier said than done.

I have a number of things I want to do. I am definitely holding myself accountable, even if I talked them up. A lot of things I see for myself I know are achievable I just need to actually get through it all. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’ve also noticed that my procrastination level has gone down significantly and I’ve realized why that is, and it’s because all of the goals I have set happen to be quite significant to my life and development. So that has helped me majorly in making sure I can stick to what I said I would do. Most of the goals are personal, however, they are crucial to building the life I really want for myself and my son. Speaking of my son, he is making incredible strides as far as wanting to learn. He’s still being a brat in school every now and then, but when he’s determined to learn something, he is all in. I wish I could have that same commitment. He’s already showing signs of the “perfection disease” (of course it’s not a real disease). He wants whatever he is doing to be perfect and when he’s learning a new letter, he wants to do it over and over again until it looks very similar to the one on the card. I am incredibly proud of him in that regard. I think I can learn a thing or two from him about that. He may be a huge inspiration for me when it comes to staying committed to a project or goal.

I’ve been noticing my feelings towards fashion has changed. I still love it, I just notice that I’m loving the behind the scenes aspect more and more. Reading about what inspired designers (namely Alexander McQueen and his inspo for editorials) really makes me feel like just about anything can get the creative juices flowing. I love designers who works are considered art. I can fully respect that more than anything. I also am noticing a lot of fashion stylists are branching out into a lot of different areas of fashion, making it more of a lifestyle rather than just styling and wardrobe. That gives me immense hope because being able to do more than just style someone is important. You’re not limited to just one facet. I am excited about the future of fashion and if there isn’t one, I know I can create one. Right now, I am going to continue to focus on learning even more about the industry and what I want to gain from it all.  Until then, I’m keeping quiet on all of that until I know it’s real!

Morning Sun (Son)

I’m up! I’m so use to be up early now because that’s just how my schedule during my work days work for me. And having this little guy makes my body jolt awake early as well. Even if I have a day off from my job, my duties as a mother still prevail through the day! So I must arise! Good morning *insert smiley face*.

So, my trip to L.A. was actually not so bad. I decided to do a lot of walking that day because I hadn’t explored much of anywhere since I’ve been there. I decided that day was the day to do so. I was slightly wrong. That day was horrible. It was extremely hot outside, the hottest day of the week! Maybe even the month. But once I was done attending the open house for the Academy of Art University, I was very happy and in high spirits. I really liked everything that I heard and although they didn’t have an alumni for their Fashion Journalism program to show up (I guess she didn’t feel like coming or she was too booked to do so), I still met up with someone who had some online experience with the school. He was an online instructor for AAU and also alumnus of the school. He gave me some insight on realistic expectations to have for online classes and advice on how to attack your classes but seeing as how I was firmly interested in a different program (he taught an actual art class), he couldn’t really give me too much insight. But I appreciated what he was able to tell me, and I absorbed that information. I carried it with me throughout the day. On my way back to Chinatown (Union Station was in that area), I had made my decision that I would definitely apply for that school. I would do all sorts of grants to have money for school; hopefully win some grant money. I was elated, so much so, that I walked around Chinatown for a little bit. I thought it would make me fall in love with L.A. and it did not. I had wished I hadn’t. I broke a toe nail! I can laugh about it though because I had normal shoes on (actually, had my platform quilted leather canvas shoes that I adore) and it broke! Mayhap from all the walking I had done. I didn’t care at the time but I kind of care now because I need to clip it and it’s shorter than I like. But those are tiny things to concern myself with. Next time, I just want to go to WeHo. So much more nicer and fun!

Fashion week has come and gone and I hadn’t done any reviews because I was so enveloped in my own personal world. I have to come to a decision on whether I deem fashion a center stage or a side performer. I’ve been happy with the way things are going in my life, everything has been working in my favor, and I didn’t want to deviate from anything I was currently doing. Fashion hasn’t excited me this past week because I felt like everything was doing a bit of a reoccurring theme. Style is doing its own thing. I feel a little misguided right now. I really have to take a step back for a moment and really do some more research on my own. That’s how I’ve been feeling-just focus on the more prominent houses who have made the most impact on the fashion world. I need to study, start from the beginning to let my appreciation grow again. I feel so ignorant. I need knowledge in my life! So that’s what I aim to do, gain some more knowledge and then work my way from there. I’m 29, I have time, I hope! I have so much I want to accomplish and I’m giving myself deadlines. Some of those things involve money so I really have to give myself time. Next month is going to be a busy month for me but I’m excited!

Tiny trip to La La Land!

I’m on the train as I type this on my way to the city of Lost Angels. I’ve always wanted to ride the train to L.A., especially on my birthdays, but I never got the chance to actually do so. I even took the time to paint my nails over while I’m here because the chipping was getting on my nerves! I don’t understand how I go to the nail salon and it stays on for a while but when I do it, CHIP! It’s practically off the next day! So ridiculous but I’m going off on a tangent now!

The purpose of this trip is to go to an open house for a school I’m seriously interested in, of course. I wouldn’t pay almost $100 to go to L.A. for nothing! If I had a car, I’d just drive there but, not yet! It’s coming (just like winter in GoT) though, so I’m not too concerned. But, this is better in a way because traffic is avoided! L.A. traffic is NO JOKE! Aside from this frivolous jabber, I’m very excited and nervous to attend this open house. I have to make a decision once I’m there, once I ask my questions and get a feel for the alumni (whom I hope will be there). I’ll have to decide whether to put in the application or continue with my search, or just stay the community college course. Nothing wrong with community college, I just know that I want what I want now, and I don’t want anything to stop me from receiving it. I want to continue to better myself even if I decide not to apply. But here I am, off on this excursion to whet my curiosity. Wish me luck that I: A) don’t get lost and B) don’t lose anything!!!

Don't look at the pimple!
Don’t look at the pimple!

Transitional Moments

Finally, I am back! The move last week nearly did me in, no lie! I was sore the entire two days after moving since my sister was on doctor’s orders not to lift anything that was of heavy load. Unfortunately that meant a lot of things. I was pretty much left to my own devices on the moving and had to enlist the help of a really great friend and her toddler daughter. It really went well then the momentum slowed once we had to move the bed and the couch. Again, I tried to get some assistance from another friend I knew forever but he kind of was already inebriated by 2 in the afternoon (about the time I had asked him) so he said he’d come at 4. Needless to say, 4 came and went and he didn’t respond to my texts or calls. I had to do something. Our landlord(s) wanted us out before daylight was wasted. I really did try my best to make sure I had given everything its time but I think I failed miserably because I had to hire a guy and he didn’t come until about 7. So the sun was already down, and not only that, it was raining on and off (more on than off and heavy too). By the time we got everything moved in to the new place, we had to go back to the old place, make sure the dressers were out of both rooms (one given to the guy who helped and the other was already broken so to the trash that went), and all rooms were as clean as possible. Didn’t get done with the cleaning until 10 o’ clock at night. It was so sad. When I was able to sit down (I hadn’t eaten at all that day, just ran on Gatorade and maybe some pieces of pizza from the night before), my body definitely began to throb from everything that I just endured. My sister, lucky her, didn’t feel a damn thing.

Besides the move, I do have other things in my life that I wanted to have accomplished. School. I have been engaged in conversations with my sister about my desire to complete that one portion of my life. I felt like if I gained more formal knowledge of my passion then I’d be able to do a better job in not just the business I do love, but in my blogs as well. I didn’t know it was a real thing, a job in fashion journalism. I always figured you start off in journalism and maybe start leaning towards a fashion publication once you’ve spent years in a different field-or so it seemed. I’ve read so many things that showed me that a lot of the big names in fashion never really started out IN fashion, they always started off doing something completely different. Some even went to school for science, but in a way, fashion can be a science in itself. It takes a great creative mind to be able to pull together some amazing looks. Or to be able to create/design pieces that are so extraordinary that they become a classic or a standard. I decided I want to be a part of that scene. I may be interested in fashion, but I also love words, but I feel like words are now escaping me. In short term, I feel stupid! I use to be like a thesaurus but now the words I’ve obtained over the years in education have been loosed and I don’t know where they went; that plus pregnancy brain will do you in as well, I really do feel like the child growing inside of you not only takes your food, but your strength, your smarts, and your looks!

I’ve already done research on schools and I’m heavily interested in one school in particular. The price tag is…yikes! but I’m willing to go to their open house, ask a ton of questions, proceed to weigh pros and cons (the price is a huge con for me), then make a decision when I’m at the open house whether I want to apply or look elsewhere. I know I can always go to college closer, but this school sounds phenomenal and more aligned with what I want to do. It’s accredited and relevant to the industry I want to be in. I’m really hoping to be able to attend in the fall, when my son will be attending transitional kindergarten (because he missed getting into actual kindergarten by a day; his birthday is a day after the cut off date) so we both can be learning at the same time, so he can have a reason to look up to me in more ways than one. Me just being his mother isn’t good enough for me anymore. I want to be his mother and an inspiration to him. Plus, I want something I can actually use in life! A degree just sitting pretty on my wall will do nothing more than remind me that I chose something no one really cares about. Or maybe I’m just being very cynical. Either way, I’m going back to school!! I’m excited to embark on another journey in education. This time, it’s going to stick because I’m very excited. Yes…I’m a nerd. Just a little.

Love Yours…

Well, I need to work on creating consistency when it comes to my blogs. Mainly this blog because I’m forever looking through it, looking at other people’s blogs, commenting on other people’s blogs, and not once batting an eyelash at my own. It’s almost as if I put more effort into everything else except for my own works. Not good. Not good at all. I have to hold myself to that higher standard. I’ve been bullshitting basically and that stops now. I can’t allow myself to do that and still be taken seriously by anyone who isn’t me.

While this is all going on, I am also in the process of moving, which I despise!!! I hate moving with a passion because it just reminds me of when I was growing up with a single mother, and how we were always moving. We never had a real space of our own for a long time when we first moved to San Diego from Racine, WI. It wasn’t incredibly fun and we almost considered it normal to always be moving, but it really wasn’t. Always making friends just to lose them because we had to pick up and leave. It wasn’t the best time, but we made it through. It’s amazing what you remember about your childhood. We won’t go into deep details, just know that it felt like crap always leaving people behind. Even though we only moved inside of San Diego, this city is fairly big. You might run into that person again but probably not for a long time; I’ve yet to see anyone I’ve met as a child from those first years since I’ve been an adult. Although our lives weren’t always the best, we did have some really great moments-memories we won’t ever forget and some we will indeed cherish. I can proudly say that I’ve felt sorry for myself growing up when we were homeless. I cried some nights as a child because of our circumstances. I know my sisters and brother felt the same but we didn’t express those feelings until we became adults. We all hated it and just felt like we had shit beginnings in life (and we liked blaming our mother for a lot of things), but we also had bright sides to it. I feel like the struggles made us who we are today. Especially myself. I often do think back to the days when we didn’t really have anything but one another, but we were happy together. We had fun together. Once we got into the real world, that’s when issues arose. My little family got lost along the way but we still love each other, we just aren’t as close as we use to be growing up. We recognize this and will probably work on it, just not right now since we are all but separated by states.

What I aim to say is that my life isn’t all roses and whatnot, but I have learned to love what’s truly mine. My life, my child, my life experiences, my adversities, EVERYTHING. I have always been a staunch believer in the harder your life, the stronger you will be at the end of the journey, and when you’re ready, you will be a force to be reckoned with. I also believe that not everybody comes out of their struggles stronger sometimes. There are some people who just can’t deal with everything that’s thrown at them, and we all handle our plights differently. But if you’re one of those who do make it through, you’re one of the lucky ones. You have to love the person you are at the end of the tunnel. You have to love the struggle because it made you who you are. You got to love the life you live because you only get one and you have to make it worth living. You have to love your experiences. You have to love you.

Autumn Leaves

I have been waiting and waiting…and waiting, like everyone else, for fall weather to come into our lives. San Diego (California as a whole) doesn’t give us much options when it comes to seasonal weathering (not sure if I put that correctly but let’s just go with it for now) because all we get is hot, lukewarm, somewhat cold, “oh my gosh, I need a jacket!” back to hell’s furnace! So imagine my surprise when we finally got rain only to have it taken away the very next day. I sometimes wish for a storm, but we all know a storm won’t be happening for some time because we’re right back to warmth again. Truth be told, I’m more than slightly over the heat, we need something else and fast! Enough of the rant…

I have been in a bit of a slump emotionally and I’m still not sure how to go about it because everyday, I have to keep moving forward, keep working, keep occupied, and keep living when sometimes I just want to sit down and think. I haven’t had time to do that and when I do have time, I don’t do it. I’m a silly mixed up web in the head. At the moment, I’m feeling better, hopeful. But I’m still dealing with some issues inside that I am sure I will soon deal with and get over and heal from but for now, I’m still just inside looking out. I’m feeling like I’m in this stagnant place, no forward movement emotionally. As many ideas as I have about how to propel myself forward, I can’t for the life of me seem to find it in me to put forth the action. I will be the first to admit that I have had some problems with procrastination, always thinking putting something off for tomorrow is ok when it can be done today. Then tomorrow turns into next week, next week turns into next month, and then what? You’d have lost so much in that space of time when you could’ve gained even more. I realized this earlier on in my adult life. Unfortunately, when you then have a child, you’re really screwed! You have to go around your child’s schedule. You, your career, or future aspirations are no longer the focal point. They really take a backseat to that life that you were given to protect and care for. Motherhood is a blessing. But it’s also a challenge, one you have to try and get the hang of as quickly as you can or risk being trampled.

I thought I had a grip on motherhood, that I could do it all. Then once a monkey wrench was thrown into my grand scheme of things, I had to try and find a different trajectory. I had to regain my balance and once the balance was found, get the schedule back in order. For some reason, the wrench that was thrown at me has been a thorn in my side. I have been dealing with it and becoming a private crier all at once. I started feeling overwhelmed and I didn’t want anyone to know what I was feeling or going through because to me, it would’ve been a sign of weakness for me to admit that I’ve fallen behind in so much. I tried to keep my thoughts as positive as possible and for the most part, it has worked. I’m starting to come into the light bit by bit. Career wise, it has stalled but I will be able to pick back up as soon as possible but my life has to get its order back. I still have so much I need to accomplish. And I will get there. Now, if only we can get some more rain!!!!

Exit Stage Left

I’ve recently decided to part ways with a job that I’ve held onto for many years, but wasn’t a passion of mine. I’ve been feeling stifled by the job because it’s not my dream job, it’s not something I planned on doing for as long as I did.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful because it was something I needed. Obviously, there are bills to be paid and rent as well as other home and personal items, but I’m feeling like right now, in this place and time I want a career. I should’ve thought of this years ago but having my son made me feel like I’m not living up to my full potential in this life and I should be doing FAR better than I am. I want to inspire my son to progress as much as he possibly can in life, so in order to do that, I decided to take the drastic step of quitting this long-term love/hate affair I’ve been having with said previous job and venture into the world of fashion. And retail.

I hear horror stories about doing retail and how heinous customers can be, but I have been in the food industry for far too long and know that I much prefer the world of retail than food. Most certainly! I often equate my last job to a horrible relationship that you just keep going back to when you know you should just end it once and for all. I was miserable because I wasn’t into it. I never really was because the people you give your service to are often rude, have some weird sense of entitlement, and talk down to you. Or maybe that’s just what I took away from that whole experience, but I’m saying my truth, from my experience working there. I didn’t enjoy it although I did have the occasional customers who were sweet as all get out and were always thanking you for the service you extended. I would go above and beyond for those lucky few who came through the door and actually greeted me back when I greeted them. I was grateful for them because they gave me hope that not all the customers were demanding, OCD-ish customers with bad attitudes but assumed you were the one with the attitude because they were plainly self-projecting. I often felt like if you’re having a bad day, there’s no need to take it out on an innocent. No need to go and spread the loathing jam all around. Keep your hatred and misery to yourself, I don’t want it but more often than not, they ventured into our establishment and spit out their disdain for happiness all out in the open. Even when you tried to joke with them a little, they’d take it the wrong way and would make sure you knew they didn’t like it. So it brought me no joy whatsoever being there. I longed to be around clothing, people who appreciated the same thing as me.

I’ve been into fashion since I was young but I didn’t really understand it because I was just having fun. To me, it was just something I did for fun and it made me happy. I use to draw clothing, shoes, and bags but it was all in childish play. I didn’t think, ‘oh, I’m going to be a little fashionista one day, I can hardly wait!’ I was just having fun with it and passing time. I often did this to escape the reality that my family was homeless and we kept hopping from one shelter to the next. It wasn’t lost on me that we didn’t have a permanent home, I just chose to not acknowledge it as a young girl because my mom often kept us busy. I noticed it whether she knew it or not. I just got lost in the world of clothes and let that be my go-to home when I felt uncomfortable.Yet, as I got older, and we finally found a more solid home as my mother grew up (being a young mother wasn’t easy for her I’m sure), I started drawing less and less. I even started writing less in the diary which I had done religiously since I was 12 years old! I let all of my creativity fall by the way side and into a sinking black abyss. I was losing pieces of me at a time.

Once I graduated high school, it was either off to college or get a job. I chose to go to college but I wasn’t even remotely clear what my major would be. I just knew I wanted to go to college. It was a mistake because I didn’t seek an education counselor who could’ve helped me figure out what I wanted my major to be, and I ended up picking classes that were very irrelevant. I ended up doing pretty bad in two out of the three classes I chose. My mom fell on hard times so it was off to find a job and work full time and I’ve been working full time since I was 19 years old. I did this until at 23, I was with a long-term boyfriend and we were living together. I found out I was pregnant a year and half into our relationship and made the decision to continue the pregnancy. In hindsight, it was probably the best and hardest decision I ever made. Once my son came into the world, I knew I had to do better in making life choices. I knew it was no longer about staying out with gal pals at bars and clubs, shopping instead of making wiser decisions where my money was concerned, and holding off on my education. I decided to go back to school and get a degree, I just didn’t know what. I knew I wanted it to be something I could actually use and could work with in many fields of my interest. I wanted a career.

So far, I’ve been on and off with my education as my son’s schedule has changed as have my own. I have shamed myself for it many times and I want to go back a final time and follow through all the way. I want my degree and I want to build a real career that is rewarding and involves something I love and desire deeply. I know fashion is my true calling and a great outlet for my creativity. I am inspired everyday I see something great come across my FB page and through other online social networks and real world events. I know it’s plausible, I’m just having a hard time, but I know that anything worth truly having is not so easily obtained. Any time I feel like giving up or whenever I feel like a failure, I just look at my son’s little smile and know that I have to keep pushing forward. I have to keep going. I can’t let anything or anyone stop me. Not even myself.