When She’s Done, What’s Next?

Well, I’ve done it.

I have done it! I’ve managed to finish a story! In all of my years of being someone who loves to create little stories here and there, I’ve never finished them, ever! I’ve started them, and they’ve sounded amazing, but then they just sort of died. Sad little deaths. I’ve allowed the stories to disappear in my head; characters wiped clean from my mind, their world: gone. I would move on to something else because that’s how I used to work. Very fleeting, barely there. I would be quickly inspired by something else and that’s all it took for me.

I love to imagine characters and build a story about them as much as I can, immediately. I never ease into it, I used to always just dive right in. With this, however, I wanted to try and take my time. And so I did. Two years worth. On and off, like a relationship that was almost not going to make it but now here we are – married.

Melded perfectly and accepting one another in all of glory and dirt. Except, like me, she needs some work. She needs some internal work, so we’re going to fix her up. We’re going to make her better. She’s great right now, but it feels like she can definitely benefit from having some things added or cut. She’s in the process of seeing someone about that right now. I’m going to be there to hold her hand through it out and watch the beauty come shining through. And I’ve made this strange now…

Moving on! I said all of that to say that I managed to do something I didn’t think I knew I could do. But I made it happen and I’ve had some sleepy (yes, sleepy, because I definitely stayed up later than I should have, but I still got some sleep so no sleepless nights just yet caused by writing) nights. Yet it was all worth it though, because now I can breathe easy knowing I did it. I do feel an odd sense of accomplishment because of it. I feel like I can complete anything now, and that’s really good to hear because I’m still in the process of finishing up junior college to obtain my degree! But it makes me feel really good. I feel solid. I’ve made one of my characters come to an actual end of her story, but I intend on making it into a series so she’s not done yet, not for a while. I’m not done, but just the beginning of it is laid down. The foundation is there. I’m going to keep building on it. And I want to take you all along for the ride.

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You strive, or you die…

Sounds ominous, but it’s really not.

What I mean by that is in today’s world, we’re all really just surviving. Day to day. Pay check to paycheck. Hand to mouth. It all feels like this cyclic struggle that seems to be encapsulating us and I, for one, really am bored of it. I’m literally sick and tired of being sick and tired, always thinking what can I do to better my situation? Besides get this degree I’ve been slaving over, on top of motherhood, and full-time work, what else can I do? What can EYE do?

You hear the words “multiple streams of income” and think, sounds awesome, I need to get in on that. What can I do to create an opportunity for myself to get in on this many streamed money team? Who do I have to sleep with to get a money tree around here?! The answer is quite simple: yourself.

The answer is also not so simple. This new age is a time for the ultimate hustlers. People with the gift to sell. They can sell you something you probably have bought many times from somewhere else, but because they have this incredible talent to talk your money out of your pockets, to make you feel like you NEED said product in your life, you will part with you greens. Happily, might I add. You will give it up. Easy. Later on you might regret it, but at the moment you can only think ‘Wow, what a bargain!’ and just coast on through life for the next week or so with no worries.

I say all this to say, in this time, we have to do so much more than survive. We have to strive. We have to get in the mindset that we are going to see a better tomorrow, even if we have to struggle today. The struggle is the part that is going to build the character you need. I’m learning this the hard way. The struggle for me is to keep doing things I don’t really enjoy, until I get to the position where I can step back and give myself wholly to what I DO love. I’m doing things the hard way. Never meant to, but I guess in the words of my son, “The world made me this way.”

And with such sweet and strong words, I bid you adieu and goodnight!

Sidenote: feel free to check out my written works on Vocal Media! Thanks in advance!

Vocal Media

 

Awaken

Excerpt One:

“Off in the distance, I swore I could hear bells chiming. I was surrounded by the absence of all color: muted darkness. It smelled damp in this dark space and I knew if I were to try and touch my face, I’d probably poke out an eye. I just did my best to keep my hands outstretched in front of me, to feel for something. Anything. But all I kept getting was air. The air, however, felt so warm, almost tangible, like I could hold the warmth in my hands. I knew that couldn’t be right. I still crept forward in all this bleakness with still the sound of the bell going off. I could hear myself breathing and it was normal. I could hear my heartbeat in the back of my throat. I wasn’t afraid, or so I was trying to convince myself. The sound of the bells didn’t seem to get any closer or farther. It stayed the same. I tried to turn to my right. Nothing. I turned to my left. Nothing still. Everything was as is. For some reason I was unable to speak. I hadn’t tried because I knew it wouldn’t really do anything. It wouldn’t mean anything for me to hear my own voice anyway. I was aware that I needed to pay attention to my surroundings. Even in my dreams (if that’s what this was) I knew better than to give myself away or to immediately panic, but this was almost like a welcomed ease. It was strange. So strange.
Then there, a faint creak. Like a rickety door opening in this…room? I wasn’t sure where I was but all I knew was there was an exit and an entrance and I had to keep my wits about me to find it. And just as soon as I heard the noise, I heard a breathing that wasn’t my own. I tried to keep myself still and to hone in on that breathing. It was calm, like my own. I had to try and keep my ears open for this second person, or at least what I hoped was a second person. I couldn’t tell at that moment but I was praying hard that it was a human. The breathing got louder and louder until it was the only noise to fill my ears. It was so deafeningly loud. I almost wanted to just cover my ears and crouch into a fetal position but I knew it wouldn’t help me. Then a soft touch on my shoulder and I wanted to jump out of my skin, it was so unexpected. A heart attack would have been a welcomed death at that moment. Then I heard a faint buzzing, and it grew to a low growl. I felt the hairs on my arms begin to rise as the sound became louder, like it was right in front of my face.
Almost as soon as the sound became more, I woke up in my plush bed.”

Revelations

It’s been a rollercoaster ride. I feel like I’m still getting my barings and I’m a mother of one rambuctious little kid, I should have more in my life figured out. The main things are figured out, I should say, it’s the minute details that are a bit more difficult.

I’m in the process of creating a short novel (?) and it’s been taking me nearly two years. I’m getting to the tail end of it, and so far it’s going swimmingly. So far. I have been reading it over and over, revising or just plain deleting, making additions, cutting, you name it I was doing it. Even with all this going on, I’m actually going to have to acknowledge that I should be proud of myself for getting it together. For being able to get this thing past a certain number of pages. I haven’t had the great fortune of sharing it with any of my friends, but I have shared it with my close ones; who I know will read it and be honest about it.

Soon I will actually be posting excerpts from said literary work (if I can call it that right now), so that I can have more eyes on it, get some feedback from readers and writers who can help me add to or take away from what I already have. Happy writing!

Do We Have A Purpose?

screen-shot-2014-06-21-at-11.34.56-am.pngI have to step back for a moment and really think about it.

I have to ask myself do I have a purpose? What could it possibly be? Is it something that will just come to me or do I have to go out there and actually find what it is I should be doing?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty sure we all have something we love doing, the one thing that you could see yourself doing forever, but what if you’re someone who is good at a lot of things? How can you pick just one thing to focus on? That’s where my problem lies.

I’m really great at communicating (I get nervous of course, but I know how to stop, take a breath, and continue on even when I experience a bit of “word-vomit”), I’m personable, I’m completely relatable, and I know how to connect with people on a personal level. I also am a creative person, that’s how I get excited about a lot of subjects. Anything that I feel is a creative outlet, I’m there. I am also into reading and writing (sounds incredibly cliched but it’s very true; I have a mountain of books and I have a story that I’m currently doing as well), heavily! I try to find new ways to express myself when it comes to writing. Hence why I do try to blog. Where I am somewhat of an extrovert, I do have my introvert moments. I like to stay behind sometimes, and I think that’s what’s keeping me from being even more out there. That’s hurting me but I don’t change it. Maybe I should?

This brings me to purpose and why it is I’m having a bit of a “time” with it. I know what I’m great at, then what I’m good at, and what I’m bad at. I try to focus on my strengths more than anything, but I also understand that I can’t do many things at once (or can I? See? That’s my problem!). I know I have to focus on one thing that I know I can do exceedingly well. The issue I’m having is can I turn that into something I can monetize so that I’m not a miserable Betty. Another thing is quantifying that and putting it into action someway, somehow. Then there is the over-saturation with the main thing I know I love, because now, everyone thinks they’re a guru and knows what they’re doing and talking about.

As of late, however, I have recently decided instead of continuously thinking about it, and talking about it, I should just put action behind it. I’ve been incredibly inspired by getting more into a few social media outlets that have connected me to a whole new source of strength; a renewed vision of what I want. I’m not saying I may have found my purpose, but I’m excited about something and I haven’t been in long time. It still ties into the main thing I really wanted to partake in, but I want to attack it in a different way, and get people really interested in it. The fact that I’m elated about it let’s me know I may be on the right path to finding what it is I want to do for the rest of my life.

NeverEnding Story

Life has been taking some very interesting twists and turns as of late, and ever since I’ve taken space away from my blogs.

I’ve moved (twice), I’ve resigned myself to finishing school (and gaining my Bachelors in BA), and have lost two jobs (due to no fault of the employees’ own). So to say that I’m feeling a little uninspired is not saying much at all.

The ride has been mildly entertaining, although I have definitely been going through a full range of emotions, from sad to angry and depressed to cheerfully optimistic. The only constant that has been a true pillar for me is my son, and that’s probably more than enough, because I can’t ever let myself really fall apart around him, no mater what. I wouldn’t dare let myself get down enough to let him feel the energy around that would affect him in a negative way. I always want him to be happy and to smile, no matter what I’m going through internally. The confusion, however, is slowly taking over.

I am trying to get away from the familiar but a lot pulls me back into the field I know so well. As much as I want to stray and put my energy into something else, something more fulfilling, I am holding myself back. It’s a sad case, but one I am battling all of the time. I’ve been trying to keep going, to keep myself busy and distracted with other work for other people, but it always comes back to what do I want. That’s the question I am continuously asking myself. I am serious need of some real evaluation. I think that would really make me feel more inspired. The industry I love, I feel, is falling down little by little. If I want to continue on this path, I will have to take some risks, and create my own path if I’m going to stick around.

I know one thing for certain, I am going to make sure I always leave room for this outlet.

More Moves, Less Announcements

I’ve done a lot of reflecting, mainly while on the trolley on my way to work, and it has dawned on me that every time I have planned something, or let everyone know what I’m working on ahead of time, it never panned on. I don’t know if that’s silly superstition on my part, or the universe moving those plans around because I get so excited that I have to spread the news as far and wide as possible. At any rate, I said to myself, ‘Self, we need to just DO it, and not talk about it.’ Be about it. Makes more sense of course, but it’s always easier said than done.

I have a number of things I want to do. I am definitely holding myself accountable, even if I talked them up. A lot of things I see for myself I know are achievable I just need to actually get through it all. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’ve also noticed that my procrastination level has gone down significantly and I’ve realized why that is, and it’s because all of the goals I have set happen to be quite significant to my life and development. So that has helped me majorly in making sure I can stick to what I said I would do. Most of the goals are personal, however, they are crucial to building the life I really want for myself and my son. Speaking of my son, he is making incredible strides as far as wanting to learn. He’s still being a brat in school every now and then, but when he’s determined to learn something, he is all in. I wish I could have that same commitment. He’s already showing signs of the “perfection disease” (of course it’s not a real disease). He wants whatever he is doing to be perfect and when he’s learning a new letter, he wants to do it over and over again until it looks very similar to the one on the card. I am incredibly proud of him in that regard. I think I can learn a thing or two from him about that. He may be a huge inspiration for me when it comes to staying committed to a project or goal.

I’ve been noticing my feelings towards fashion has changed. I still love it, I just notice that I’m loving the behind the scenes aspect more and more. Reading about what inspired designers (namely Alexander McQueen and his inspo for editorials) really makes me feel like just about anything can get the creative juices flowing. I love designers who works are considered art. I can fully respect that more than anything. I also am noticing a lot of fashion stylists are branching out into a lot of different areas of fashion, making it more of a lifestyle rather than just styling and wardrobe. That gives me immense hope because being able to do more than just style someone is important. You’re not limited to just one facet. I am excited about the future of fashion and if there isn’t one, I know I can create one. Right now, I am going to continue to focus on learning even more about the industry and what I want to gain from it all.  Until then, I’m keeping quiet on all of that until I know it’s real!

Morning Sun (Son)

I’m up! I’m so use to be up early now because that’s just how my schedule during my work days work for me. And having this little guy makes my body jolt awake early as well. Even if I have a day off from my job, my duties as a mother still prevail through the day! So I must arise! Good morning *insert smiley face*.

So, my trip to L.A. was actually not so bad. I decided to do a lot of walking that day because I hadn’t explored much of anywhere since I’ve been there. I decided that day was the day to do so. I was slightly wrong. That day was horrible. It was extremely hot outside, the hottest day of the week! Maybe even the month. But once I was done attending the open house for the Academy of Art University, I was very happy and in high spirits. I really liked everything that I heard and although they didn’t have an alumni for their Fashion Journalism program to show up (I guess she didn’t feel like coming or she was too booked to do so), I still met up with someone who had some online experience with the school. He was an online instructor for AAU and also alumnus of the school. He gave me some insight on realistic expectations to have for online classes and advice on how to attack your classes but seeing as how I was firmly interested in a different program (he taught an actual art class), he couldn’t really give me too much insight. But I appreciated what he was able to tell me, and I absorbed that information. I carried it with me throughout the day. On my way back to Chinatown (Union Station was in that area), I had made my decision that I would definitely apply for that school. I would do all sorts of grants to have money for school; hopefully win some grant money. I was elated, so much so, that I walked around Chinatown for a little bit. I thought it would make me fall in love with L.A. and it did not. I had wished I hadn’t. I broke a toe nail! I can laugh about it though because I had normal shoes on (actually, had my platform quilted leather canvas shoes that I adore) and it broke! Mayhap from all the walking I had done. I didn’t care at the time but I kind of care now because I need to clip it and it’s shorter than I like. But those are tiny things to concern myself with. Next time, I just want to go to WeHo. So much more nicer and fun!

Fashion week has come and gone and I hadn’t done any reviews because I was so enveloped in my own personal world. I have to come to a decision on whether I deem fashion a center stage or a side performer. I’ve been happy with the way things are going in my life, everything has been working in my favor, and I didn’t want to deviate from anything I was currently doing. Fashion hasn’t excited me this past week because I felt like everything was doing a bit of a reoccurring theme. Style is doing its own thing. I feel a little misguided right now. I really have to take a step back for a moment and really do some more research on my own. That’s how I’ve been feeling-just focus on the more prominent houses who have made the most impact on the fashion world. I need to study, start from the beginning to let my appreciation grow again. I feel so ignorant. I need knowledge in my life! So that’s what I aim to do, gain some more knowledge and then work my way from there. I’m 29, I have time, I hope! I have so much I want to accomplish and I’m giving myself deadlines. Some of those things involve money so I really have to give myself time. Next month is going to be a busy month for me but I’m excited!

Tiny trip to La La Land!

I’m on the train as I type this on my way to the city of Lost Angels. I’ve always wanted to ride the train to L.A., especially on my birthdays, but I never got the chance to actually do so. I even took the time to paint my nails over while I’m here because the chipping was getting on my nerves! I don’t understand how I go to the nail salon and it stays on for a while but when I do it, CHIP! It’s practically off the next day! So ridiculous but I’m going off on a tangent now!

The purpose of this trip is to go to an open house for a school I’m seriously interested in, of course. I wouldn’t pay almost $100 to go to L.A. for nothing! If I had a car, I’d just drive there but, not yet! It’s coming (just like winter in GoT) though, so I’m not too concerned. But, this is better in a way because traffic is avoided! L.A. traffic is NO JOKE! Aside from this frivolous jabber, I’m very excited and nervous to attend this open house. I have to make a decision once I’m there, once I ask my questions and get a feel for the alumni (whom I hope will be there). I’ll have to decide whether to put in the application or continue with my search, or just stay the community college course. Nothing wrong with community college, I just know that I want what I want now, and I don’t want anything to stop me from receiving it. I want to continue to better myself even if I decide not to apply. But here I am, off on this excursion to whet my curiosity. Wish me luck that I: A) don’t get lost and B) don’t lose anything!!!

Don't look at the pimple!
Don’t look at the pimple!