More Moves, Less Announcements

I’ve done a lot of reflecting, mainly while on the trolley on my way to work, and it has dawned on me that every time I have planned something, or let everyone know what I’m working on ahead of time, it never panned on. I don’t know if that’s silly superstition on my part, or the universe moving those plans around because I get so excited that I have to spread the news as far and wide as possible. At any rate, I said to myself, ‘Self, we need to just DO it, and not talk about it.’ Be about it. Makes more sense of course, but it’s always easier said than done.

I have a number of things I want to do. I am definitely holding myself accountable, even if I talked them up. A lot of things I see for myself I know are achievable I just need to actually get through it all. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’ve also noticed that my procrastination level has gone down significantly and I’ve realized why that is, and it’s because all of the goals I have set happen to be quite significant to my life and development. So that has helped me majorly in making sure I can stick to what I said I would do. Most of the goals are personal, however, they are crucial to building the life I really want for myself and my son. Speaking of my son, he is making incredible strides as far as wanting to learn. He’s still being a brat in school every now and then, but when he’s determined to learn something, he is all in. I wish I could have that same commitment. He’s already showing signs of the “perfection disease” (of course it’s not a real disease). He wants whatever he is doing to be perfect and when he’s learning a new letter, he wants to do it over and over again until it looks very similar to the one on the card. I am incredibly proud of him in that regard. I think I can learn a thing or two from him about that. He may be a huge inspiration for me when it comes to staying committed to a project or goal.

I’ve been noticing my feelings towards fashion has changed. I still love it, I just notice that I’m loving the behind the scenes aspect more and more. Reading about what inspired designers (namely Alexander McQueen and his inspo for editorials) really makes me feel like just about anything can get the creative juices flowing. I love designers who works are considered art. I can fully respect that more than anything. I also am noticing a lot of fashion stylists are branching out into a lot of different areas of fashion, making it more of a lifestyle rather than just styling and wardrobe. That gives me immense hope because being able to do more than just style someone is important. You’re not limited to just one facet. I am excited about the future of fashion and if there isn’t one, I know I can create one. Right now, I am going to continue to focus on learning even more about the industry and what I want to gain from it all.  Until then, I’m keeping quiet on all of that until I know it’s real!

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Morning Sun (Son)

I’m up! I’m so use to be up early now because that’s just how my schedule during my work days work for me. And having this little guy makes my body jolt awake early as well. Even if I have a day off from my job, my duties as a mother still prevail through the day! So I must arise! Good morning *insert smiley face*.

So, my trip to L.A. was actually not so bad. I decided to do a lot of walking that day because I hadn’t explored much of anywhere since I’ve been there. I decided that day was the day to do so. I was slightly wrong. That day was horrible. It was extremely hot outside, the hottest day of the week! Maybe even the month. But once I was done attending the open house for the Academy of Art University, I was very happy and in high spirits. I really liked everything that I heard and although they didn’t have an alumni for their Fashion Journalism program to show up (I guess she didn’t feel like coming or she was too booked to do so), I still met up with someone who had some online experience with the school. He was an online instructor for AAU and also alumnus of the school. He gave me some insight on realistic expectations to have for online classes and advice on how to attack your classes but seeing as how I was firmly interested in a different program (he taught an actual art class), he couldn’t really give me too much insight. But I appreciated what he was able to tell me, and I absorbed that information. I carried it with me throughout the day. On my way back to Chinatown (Union Station was in that area), I had made my decision that I would definitely apply for that school. I would do all sorts of grants to have money for school; hopefully win some grant money. I was elated, so much so, that I walked around Chinatown for a little bit. I thought it would make me fall in love with L.A. and it did not. I had wished I hadn’t. I broke a toe nail! I can laugh about it though because I had normal shoes on (actually, had my platform quilted leather canvas shoes that I adore) and it broke! Mayhap from all the walking I had done. I didn’t care at the time but I kind of care now because I need to clip it and it’s shorter than I like. But those are tiny things to concern myself with. Next time, I just want to go to WeHo. So much more nicer and fun!

Fashion week has come and gone and I hadn’t done any reviews because I was so enveloped in my own personal world. I have to come to a decision on whether I deem fashion a center stage or a side performer. I’ve been happy with the way things are going in my life, everything has been working in my favor, and I didn’t want to deviate from anything I was currently doing. Fashion hasn’t excited me this past week because I felt like everything was doing a bit of a reoccurring theme. Style is doing its own thing. I feel a little misguided right now. I really have to take a step back for a moment and really do some more research on my own. That’s how I’ve been feeling-just focus on the more prominent houses who have made the most impact on the fashion world. I need to study, start from the beginning to let my appreciation grow again. I feel so ignorant. I need knowledge in my life! So that’s what I aim to do, gain some more knowledge and then work my way from there. I’m 29, I have time, I hope! I have so much I want to accomplish and I’m giving myself deadlines. Some of those things involve money so I really have to give myself time. Next month is going to be a busy month for me but I’m excited!

Transitional Moments

Finally, I am back! The move last week nearly did me in, no lie! I was sore the entire two days after moving since my sister was on doctor’s orders not to lift anything that was of heavy load. Unfortunately that meant a lot of things. I was pretty much left to my own devices on the moving and had to enlist the help of a really great friend and her toddler daughter. It really went well then the momentum slowed once we had to move the bed and the couch. Again, I tried to get some assistance from another friend I knew forever but he kind of was already inebriated by 2 in the afternoon (about the time I had asked him) so he said he’d come at 4. Needless to say, 4 came and went and he didn’t respond to my texts or calls. I had to do something. Our landlord(s) wanted us out before daylight was wasted. I really did try my best to make sure I had given everything its time but I think I failed miserably because I had to hire a guy and he didn’t come until about 7. So the sun was already down, and not only that, it was raining on and off (more on than off and heavy too). By the time we got everything moved in to the new place, we had to go back to the old place, make sure the dressers were out of both rooms (one given to the guy who helped and the other was already broken so to the trash that went), and all rooms were as clean as possible. Didn’t get done with the cleaning until 10 o’ clock at night. It was so sad. When I was able to sit down (I hadn’t eaten at all that day, just ran on Gatorade and maybe some pieces of pizza from the night before), my body definitely began to throb from everything that I just endured. My sister, lucky her, didn’t feel a damn thing.

Besides the move, I do have other things in my life that I wanted to have accomplished. School. I have been engaged in conversations with my sister about my desire to complete that one portion of my life. I felt like if I gained more formal knowledge of my passion then I’d be able to do a better job in not just the business I do love, but in my blogs as well. I didn’t know it was a real thing, a job in fashion journalism. I always figured you start off in journalism and maybe start leaning towards a fashion publication once you’ve spent years in a different field-or so it seemed. I’ve read so many things that showed me that a lot of the big names in fashion never really started out IN fashion, they always started off doing something completely different. Some even went to school for science, but in a way, fashion can be a science in itself. It takes a great creative mind to be able to pull together some amazing looks. Or to be able to create/design pieces that are so extraordinary that they become a classic or a standard. I decided I want to be a part of that scene. I may be interested in fashion, but I also love words, but I feel like words are now escaping me. In short term, I feel stupid! I use to be like a thesaurus but now the words I’ve obtained over the years in education have been loosed and I don’t know where they went; that plus pregnancy brain will do you in as well, I really do feel like the child growing inside of you not only takes your food, but your strength, your smarts, and your looks!

I’ve already done research on schools and I’m heavily interested in one school in particular. The price tag is…yikes! but I’m willing to go to their open house, ask a ton of questions, proceed to weigh pros and cons (the price is a huge con for me), then make a decision when I’m at the open house whether I want to apply or look elsewhere. I know I can always go to college closer, but this school sounds phenomenal and more aligned with what I want to do. It’s accredited and relevant to the industry I want to be in. I’m really hoping to be able to attend in the fall, when my son will be attending transitional kindergarten (because he missed getting into actual kindergarten by a day; his birthday is a day after the cut off date) so we both can be learning at the same time, so he can have a reason to look up to me in more ways than one. Me just being his mother isn’t good enough for me anymore. I want to be his mother and an inspiration to him. Plus, I want something I can actually use in life! A degree just sitting pretty on my wall will do nothing more than remind me that I chose something no one really cares about. Or maybe I’m just being very cynical. Either way, I’m going back to school!! I’m excited to embark on another journey in education. This time, it’s going to stick because I’m very excited. Yes…I’m a nerd. Just a little.

Love Yours…

Well, I need to work on creating consistency when it comes to my blogs. Mainly this blog because I’m forever looking through it, looking at other people’s blogs, commenting on other people’s blogs, and not once batting an eyelash at my own. It’s almost as if I put more effort into everything else except for my own works. Not good. Not good at all. I have to hold myself to that higher standard. I’ve been bullshitting basically and that stops now. I can’t allow myself to do that and still be taken seriously by anyone who isn’t me.

While this is all going on, I am also in the process of moving, which I despise!!! I hate moving with a passion because it just reminds me of when I was growing up with a single mother, and how we were always moving. We never had a real space of our own for a long time when we first moved to San Diego from Racine, WI. It wasn’t incredibly fun and we almost considered it normal to always be moving, but it really wasn’t. Always making friends just to lose them because we had to pick up and leave. It wasn’t the best time, but we made it through. It’s amazing what you remember about your childhood. We won’t go into deep details, just know that it felt like crap always leaving people behind. Even though we only moved inside of San Diego, this city is fairly big. You might run into that person again but probably not for a long time; I’ve yet to see anyone I’ve met as a child from those first years since I’ve been an adult. Although our lives weren’t always the best, we did have some really great moments-memories we won’t ever forget and some we will indeed cherish. I can proudly say that I’ve felt sorry for myself growing up when we were homeless. I cried some nights as a child because of our circumstances. I know my sisters and brother felt the same but we didn’t express those feelings until we became adults. We all hated it and just felt like we had shit beginnings in life (and we liked blaming our mother for a lot of things), but we also had bright sides to it. I feel like the struggles made us who we are today. Especially myself. I often do think back to the days when we didn’t really have anything but one another, but we were happy together. We had fun together. Once we got into the real world, that’s when issues arose. My little family got lost along the way but we still love each other, we just aren’t as close as we use to be growing up. We recognize this and will probably work on it, just not right now since we are all but separated by states.

What I aim to say is that my life isn’t all roses and whatnot, but I have learned to love what’s truly mine. My life, my child, my life experiences, my adversities, EVERYTHING. I have always been a staunch believer in the harder your life, the stronger you will be at the end of the journey, and when you’re ready, you will be a force to be reckoned with. I also believe that not everybody comes out of their struggles stronger sometimes. There are some people who just can’t deal with everything that’s thrown at them, and we all handle our plights differently. But if you’re one of those who do make it through, you’re one of the lucky ones. You have to love the person you are at the end of the tunnel. You have to love the struggle because it made you who you are. You got to love the life you live because you only get one and you have to make it worth living. You have to love your experiences. You have to love you.

Autumn Leaves

I have been waiting and waiting…and waiting, like everyone else, for fall weather to come into our lives. San Diego (California as a whole) doesn’t give us much options when it comes to seasonal weathering (not sure if I put that correctly but let’s just go with it for now) because all we get is hot, lukewarm, somewhat cold, “oh my gosh, I need a jacket!” back to hell’s furnace! So imagine my surprise when we finally got rain only to have it taken away the very next day. I sometimes wish for a storm, but we all know a storm won’t be happening for some time because we’re right back to warmth again. Truth be told, I’m more than slightly over the heat, we need something else and fast! Enough of the rant…

I have been in a bit of a slump emotionally and I’m still not sure how to go about it because everyday, I have to keep moving forward, keep working, keep occupied, and keep living when sometimes I just want to sit down and think. I haven’t had time to do that and when I do have time, I don’t do it. I’m a silly mixed up web in the head. At the moment, I’m feeling better, hopeful. But I’m still dealing with some issues inside that I am sure I will soon deal with and get over and heal from but for now, I’m still just inside looking out. I’m feeling like I’m in this stagnant place, no forward movement emotionally. As many ideas as I have about how to propel myself forward, I can’t for the life of me seem to find it in me to put forth the action. I will be the first to admit that I have had some problems with procrastination, always thinking putting something off for tomorrow is ok when it can be done today. Then tomorrow turns into next week, next week turns into next month, and then what? You’d have lost so much in that space of time when you could’ve gained even more. I realized this earlier on in my adult life. Unfortunately, when you then have a child, you’re really screwed! You have to go around your child’s schedule. You, your career, or future aspirations are no longer the focal point. They really take a backseat to that life that you were given to protect and care for. Motherhood is a blessing. But it’s also a challenge, one you have to try and get the hang of as quickly as you can or risk being trampled.

I thought I had a grip on motherhood, that I could do it all. Then once a monkey wrench was thrown into my grand scheme of things, I had to try and find a different trajectory. I had to regain my balance and once the balance was found, get the schedule back in order. For some reason, the wrench that was thrown at me has been a thorn in my side. I have been dealing with it and becoming a private crier all at once. I started feeling overwhelmed and I didn’t want anyone to know what I was feeling or going through because to me, it would’ve been a sign of weakness for me to admit that I’ve fallen behind in so much. I tried to keep my thoughts as positive as possible and for the most part, it has worked. I’m starting to come into the light bit by bit. Career wise, it has stalled but I will be able to pick back up as soon as possible but my life has to get its order back. I still have so much I need to accomplish. And I will get there. Now, if only we can get some more rain!!!!

When Summer Gets In The Way!

I am finally back!!! It has been the hardest time for me this summer (well, the month of August was a little more difficult) trying to do anything other than work or take care of my son! I feel almost a little stifled in a way, but my son comes first before any and everything. I have been working at my new position for Tommy Hilfiger and I enjoy it thoroughly. I have been blessed to have known someone who got me into that store and since then, I have been proving to the team and myself that I am a valuable addition and reliable asset to the store. The energy in the store is so amazing between management and associates. It’s been truly amazing and I’ve received the number of hours necessary to be able to be in the store and also take care of my boy. Only problem was…babysitting!!!
Trying to find a babysitter was a struggle (following some drama in the family between certain people, who shall remain nameless because it doesn’t matter), to say the least! Because that doesn’t begin to describe it! It was a daily siege trying to get some sort of care for my son while I went off to work. I needed to work, I HAVE to work. I have a strong desire to work, it’s in me to do so. But it was also a hindrance because if I couldn’t find a babysitter, I had to miss out on a day. That was one of the hardest parts for me so far. I lost out on the opportunities to do so much with my mentor because of my not being able to juggle THAT part of my life as well as COMMUNICATE with him. I look back at that and know that I made a mistake in not being able to verbally let him know why I was lackluster in my passion. It pained me but I know business is business, and the show must go on, even if it does mean without me. I understood and accepted this. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less!
I still have my goals in mind now that school is about to be back in session for my little munchkin and I’m very excited for him in this next phase of his life, I’m excited about my next phase as well. He just turned 4 (love love love him to the moon and back and then back to the moon, and then back to the earth again, many times over) and I can see so much in him. I just hope with the help of our family and his school that we can bring all that good potential out of him, because I know my baby is amazing. And fall is my absolute most FAVORITE time of the year! Not only because it starts to get cooler (apparently California doesn’t count when it comes to that because this is suppose to be one of the hottest months in our “seasons”) and school is back in session (no more babysitting issues!) but because of all the amazing FASHION that is about to take place. Fashion Week in NY has already begun and although I’m no longer with my mentor in that sense, that won’t stop me from continuing on with my journey. I will still be involved with fashion in every way possible. I have already planned out what I will be doing as far as that. I’m not going to slump one bit, not anymore, because this falls on me to prove to myself that I can do it, I can be successful. I have to make sure I continuously do what needs doing and continue to give my all to my aspiration in building a career in fashion. That takes precedence and the urgency is REAL! My son, my job, my career building. I have so much I want to do and I have even bigger news ahead (coming soon!!). Nothing is going to stop me except for me. I am my own worst enemy. Aside from the babysitting issue, I am going to move on the up and up. I cannot fail in that regard. It’s coming to that for me.