Save Yourself

save yourself image

Here’s a little blurb I wrote as apart of a challenge, but I really enjoyed typing it up (“writing” it), and thought why not share it with my peoples? Please read it and leave any thoughts!

 

Have you ever felt as if you’re always running away, or running into situations you can’t seem to get away from fast enough? I always feel that way. I always feel like I’m on the run, on the move, and I get so tired and run down. But I know it’s no use feeling that way, especially when you are the only one in your city who can save it. Slamming a guy here, choking another guy there, throwing a car half a football field away from a small child. All of this to just hide away when it’s all over. I whine incessantly, but I know this is the way it has to be, the safest way for me to coexist with the people who don’t know me, because I’ve seen what happens to those who save others. The one time you let them down they never forget it, and they never forget you for it. It turns into a love-hate relationship, and not one that is back and forth, no. It’s one where half of them love you, and understand, but the other half? You can never make things right again. Never.

I remember a conversation that I was having with…her name doesn’t matter, I just remember her, and I remember our conversation so vividly. “You can’t save everyone. Sometimes, you have to just save the one person that matters most: yourself. Please try to remember that the next time you start getting down on yourself, okay?” I remember just nodding, because I couldn’t stop beating myself up about the incident that changed my life, and a family’s lives forever.

I also remember the family, the rants, the disappointment, the yelling and screaming on top of the cries. I remember the blood soaked pavement, the arm still outstretched as if reaching for a savior. The arm attached to the broken body. When the body hit, it was like watching a mannequin break but the body still held together by…flesh.

“You could’ve caught her, you could’ve saved her!”

“You’re no hero!”

“Fuck you!!”

“If you’re listening out there, where ever you are, you’re no hero,” said the most popular talk show host in the country on her primetime morning show the next day. Her face was a sneer, full on anger searing through the tv screen. Her eyes were glazed with fresh tears, but her hatred was more realer than the tears. “You’re just some person with abilities. Abilities you barely use. And for all these ‘powers’ you possess, you couldn’t be where you were counted the most to be. You. Are. No. Hero. I hope you heard me, and heard me clearly.”

I couldn’t say she was wrong. I couldn’t say she was right, her cameramen and producers, writers, and staff damn sure weren’t going to tell her any different. Who was I to say differently? I listened. I watched her show that day, and I let her words hit me where it meant to. It pierced more than any bullet, it cut more than any knife to me hearing her say those things, seeing the look in her eyes. She wasn’t the main reason I decided they didn’t need me around as much anymore. I made the decision all on my own, all because of that crumpled mass of human flesh that laid on that pavement.

I still helped. Help. I still let the human in me continue doing the best I could with what was given to me through some miracle, or phenomenon. I still enjoyed making sure some old lady wasn’t mugged by some punks, took them down and made sure she got her bag back. I still enjoyed making sure kids weren’t harmed by an accident, and I made sure to steal myself away as well, back into the shadows as soon as my good deed was accomplished. It was all I could do to ensure that I wasn’t on the news or the internet anymore. If the would-be victim wanted to talk, they could, but I didn’t want to stick around for that. I retreated back to my hideout, and I made sure no one knew where I lived. That as well was important to me. I, too, needed a safe haven, and my apartment was it. Far away and on the outskirts of the city where no one who knew me personally would come looking is where I chose to be. It was safer for everyone that way.

Most nights, I drink. I drink to forget, but always end up remembering, crying. I become a lump of wallowing. I do this even when I’ve had a good night, even when someone is no longer being hurt. I make sure they’re safe, but inside I know I’m just going to die a little.

I drank to forget. But she always visits me. She smiles, and I stop crying for a bit. She comforts me with her words. “Hey big guy, what you crying for?”

“I miss you,” I whimper, tears spilling down my chin.

She walks over to me, her smile warming me down to my toes. She touches my shoulder and leans down in front of me, her hand resting on my shoulder, and her other hand casually caressing my hand that held the bottle of Irish whiskey. “I’m always with you, you know that. I haven’t gone anywhere. Remember what I told you?”

I nod. “How can I forget?”

She sighed, pressing her cheek on mine, and she felt so warm, so real. “Even the strong need a break, need a moment. And you feel. You have to remember that you’re human, too, just different. You can’t save everyone. Sometimes, you have to just save the one person that matters most: yourself. Please try to remember that when you’re sitting here, drinking this poison, okay?”

What she said, what I remember her saying, breaks me down. The tears stream down my face, hiccups became uncontrollable. “B-but you m-m-mattered most to me! YOU! And I couldn’t…I-I couldn’t s-s-s-save you!!”

The chair barely held me. She leaned back to look me in my face as her smile began to waver, then vanished completely as blood poured down her face. In complete horror, I pushed away from the vision, bottle falling from my hand as I stood up abruptly. “Amina, AMINA!! NO!” Then off in the distance, I could hear a menacing chorus of laughter. I balled up my fists, rage filling me up more and more with every second that passed. That laugh that kept feeding my hate, fueling my need to keep fighting on the good side as long as I could. That laugh that stole my Amina from me, and the laugh that I was going to find and choke the life out of.

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Bon Voyage, 2017! We won’t miss you!

Free at last, free at last!

We made it through the year. Some of us faring better than others, but here we are nonetheless. I barely made it, and I sincerely mean that. The end of the final week of 2017 brought many, many sick people. Unfortunately, I became one of them, and rung in the New Year Eve with snores and horrid coughs. I didn’t even make it to midnight, that’s how sad it was. Even so, the morning brought me my sense of smell back so I was very happy about that.

I’ve had plenty of rest since being sick since this past Thursday, so I’m feeling a little better. I even woke up in a more positive mood (going from immobile and incapacitated to feeling normal will do that), and had this voice in my head saying, “No more struggling.” It wasn’t ominous. It was more like a promise, as if to say the worst is over and better is arriving. I took that thought and almost let it fade away. I knew I had to keep that going like a mantra though because I truly do need it. 2017 had been an incredibly harsh year for me. I was beginning to think I had done something so horribly wrong that I was just receiving from karma for whatever it was I had done. I knew I didn’t really do anything wrong, except for maybe make a snap decision or two, but other than that I really hadn’t done anything that warranted such a weird year for me. And yet, I can look back and say at least the latter half wasn’t all so bad.

Sure, I struggled, but I also published my first book. That’s one great thing I did! My personal life was pretty golden as well (wasn’t bad at all actually, and still isn’t), my son is still my little maniac whom I love dearly, and my niece is beautiful and healthy! I’m embarking on a new journey of doing what I love without being scared. I have goals I want to achieve, and I’ve learned I can do everything I set myself to doing. It’s me that has to move out of the way and let myself flourish. The ending of 2017 showed me that, and I can carry that all the way through into this new year. I do not have any resolutions, I never really do. I find when I do that, I usually lose the list somewhere, or I don’t take it serious anyway. So instead, I’m going to do what I gotta do without talking too much about it, and just do it. I tend to perform much better that way. I’m dedicated to myself being my best self, and I know it’s coming. For now, I’m going to wish everyone a Happy New Year, best of luck in everything you do, and don’t stop striving! P.S. While you’re here, check out what I HAVE been getting into the latter part of this year with the link here: https://geo.itunes.apple.com/us/book/voices-on-the-air/id1319106367?mt=11

and here: https://horror.media/i-have-an-insane-amount-of-zombie-books?_ga=2.52158825.1785160388.1514864189-1493119887.1502177739

 

 

 

 

 

 

First of Many!

Exciting news!!

The excerpts are no longer just excerpts and extensions of the story I’ve been working on for quite some time. It’s now a fully realized ebook!

That’s correct, it is now an ebook. It is published, and I couldn’t be happier. It’s one of my prouder moments in my life, as I didn’t think I’d ever see it through to completion, but here I am. Here we are. A completed piece of work.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to even publish it frankly. I thought I’d just keep it on my laptop, saved, never to be seen – I was wrong. I was braver than I gave myself credit for. I normally don’t share too much, but I felt like I needed to pull up my big girl underwear and make it do what it do! I am so happy that I made that decision on a late night and just pushed. I’m going to continue to see all of my endeavors through. From henceforth, I will no longer hold back out of fear of the unknown. I will push myself to the edge, and just dive.

‘Voices on the Air’ is available on Amazon Kindle, and it’s my baby! I just birthed a book baby! So please have at it, and express your thoughts on this so that I can continue to grow into the author I want to be.

‘Voices on the Air’ Amazon Kindle

When She’s Done, What’s Next?

Well, I’ve done it.

I have done it! I’ve managed to finish a story! In all of my years of being someone who loves to create little stories here and there, I’ve never finished them, ever! I’ve started them, and they’ve sounded amazing, but then they just sort of died. Sad little deaths. I’ve allowed the stories to disappear in my head; characters wiped clean from my mind, their world: gone. I would move on to something else because that’s how I used to work. Very fleeting, barely there. I would be quickly inspired by something else and that’s all it took for me.

I love to imagine characters and build a story about them as much as I can, immediately. I never ease into it, I used to always just dive right in. With this, however, I wanted to try and take my time. And so I did. Two years worth. On and off, like a relationship that was almost not going to make it but now here we are – married.

Melded perfectly and accepting one another in all of glory and dirt. Except, like me, she needs some work. She needs some internal work, so we’re going to fix her up. We’re going to make her better. She’s great right now, but it feels like she can definitely benefit from having some things added or cut. She’s in the process of seeing someone about that right now. I’m going to be there to hold her hand through it out and watch the beauty come shining through. And I’ve made this strange now…

Moving on! I said all of that to say that I managed to do something I didn’t think I knew I could do. But I made it happen and I’ve had some sleepy (yes, sleepy, because I definitely stayed up later than I should have, but I still got some sleep so no sleepless nights just yet caused by writing) nights. Yet it was all worth it though, because now I can breathe easy knowing I did it. I do feel an odd sense of accomplishment because of it. I feel like I can complete anything now, and that’s really good to hear because I’m still in the process of finishing up junior college to obtain my degree! But it makes me feel really good. I feel solid. I’ve made one of my characters come to an actual end of her story, but I intend on making it into a series so she’s not done yet, not for a while. I’m not done, but just the beginning of it is laid down. The foundation is there. I’m going to keep building on it. And I want to take you all along for the ride.

You strive, or you die…

Sounds ominous, but it’s really not.

What I mean by that is in today’s world, we’re all really just surviving. Day to day. Pay check to paycheck. Hand to mouth. It all feels like this cyclic struggle that seems to be encapsulating us and I, for one, really am bored of it. I’m literally sick and tired of being sick and tired, always thinking what can I do to better my situation? Besides get this degree I’ve been slaving over, on top of motherhood, and full-time work, what else can I do? What can EYE do?

You hear the words “multiple streams of income” and think, sounds awesome, I need to get in on that. What can I do to create an opportunity for myself to get in on this many streamed money team? Who do I have to sleep with to get a money tree around here?! The answer is quite simple: yourself.

The answer is also not so simple. This new age is a time for the ultimate hustlers. People with the gift to sell. They can sell you something you probably have bought many times from somewhere else, but because they have this incredible talent to talk your money out of your pockets, to make you feel like you NEED said product in your life, you will part with you greens. Happily, might I add. You will give it up. Easy. Later on you might regret it, but at the moment you can only think ‘Wow, what a bargain!’ and just coast on through life for the next week or so with no worries.

I say all this to say, in this time, we have to do so much more than survive. We have to strive. We have to get in the mindset that we are going to see a better tomorrow, even if we have to struggle today. The struggle is the part that is going to build the character you need. I’m learning this the hard way. The struggle for me is to keep doing things I don’t really enjoy, until I get to the position where I can step back and give myself wholly to what I DO love. I’m doing things the hard way. Never meant to, but I guess in the words of my son, “The world made me this way.”

And with such sweet and strong words, I bid you adieu and goodnight!

Sidenote: feel free to check out my written works on Vocal Media! Thanks in advance!

Vocal Media

 

Do We Have A Purpose?

screen-shot-2014-06-21-at-11.34.56-am.pngI have to step back for a moment and really think about it.

I have to ask myself do I have a purpose? What could it possibly be? Is it something that will just come to me or do I have to go out there and actually find what it is I should be doing?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty sure we all have something we love doing, the one thing that you could see yourself doing forever, but what if you’re someone who is good at a lot of things? How can you pick just one thing to focus on? That’s where my problem lies.

I’m really great at communicating (I get nervous of course, but I know how to stop, take a breath, and continue on even when I experience a bit of “word-vomit”), I’m personable, I’m completely relatable, and I know how to connect with people on a personal level. I also am a creative person, that’s how I get excited about a lot of subjects. Anything that I feel is a creative outlet, I’m there. I am also into reading and writing (sounds incredibly cliched but it’s very true; I have a mountain of books and I have a story that I’m currently doing as well), heavily! I try to find new ways to express myself when it comes to writing. Hence why I do try to blog. Where I am somewhat of an extrovert, I do have my introvert moments. I like to stay behind sometimes, and I think that’s what’s keeping me from being even more out there. That’s hurting me but I don’t change it. Maybe I should?

This brings me to purpose and why it is I’m having a bit of a “time” with it. I know what I’m great at, then what I’m good at, and what I’m bad at. I try to focus on my strengths more than anything, but I also understand that I can’t do many things at once (or can I? See? That’s my problem!). I know I have to focus on one thing that I know I can do exceedingly well. The issue I’m having is can I turn that into something I can monetize so that I’m not a miserable Betty. Another thing is quantifying that and putting it into action someway, somehow. Then there is the over-saturation with the main thing I know I love, because now, everyone thinks they’re a guru and knows what they’re doing and talking about.

As of late, however, I have recently decided instead of continuously thinking about it, and talking about it, I should just put action behind it. I’ve been incredibly inspired by getting more into a few social media outlets that have connected me to a whole new source of strength; a renewed vision of what I want. I’m not saying I may have found my purpose, but I’m excited about something and I haven’t been in long time. It still ties into the main thing I really wanted to partake in, but I want to attack it in a different way, and get people really interested in it. The fact that I’m elated about it let’s me know I may be on the right path to finding what it is I want to do for the rest of my life.

More Moves, Less Announcements

I’ve done a lot of reflecting, mainly while on the trolley on my way to work, and it has dawned on me that every time I have planned something, or let everyone know what I’m working on ahead of time, it never panned on. I don’t know if that’s silly superstition on my part, or the universe moving those plans around because I get so excited that I have to spread the news as far and wide as possible. At any rate, I said to myself, ‘Self, we need to just DO it, and not talk about it.’ Be about it. Makes more sense of course, but it’s always easier said than done.

I have a number of things I want to do. I am definitely holding myself accountable, even if I talked them up. A lot of things I see for myself I know are achievable I just need to actually get through it all. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’ve also noticed that my procrastination level has gone down significantly and I’ve realized why that is, and it’s because all of the goals I have set happen to be quite significant to my life and development. So that has helped me majorly in making sure I can stick to what I said I would do. Most of the goals are personal, however, they are crucial to building the life I really want for myself and my son. Speaking of my son, he is making incredible strides as far as wanting to learn. He’s still being a brat in school every now and then, but when he’s determined to learn something, he is all in. I wish I could have that same commitment. He’s already showing signs of the “perfection disease” (of course it’s not a real disease). He wants whatever he is doing to be perfect and when he’s learning a new letter, he wants to do it over and over again until it looks very similar to the one on the card. I am incredibly proud of him in that regard. I think I can learn a thing or two from him about that. He may be a huge inspiration for me when it comes to staying committed to a project or goal.

I’ve been noticing my feelings towards fashion has changed. I still love it, I just notice that I’m loving the behind the scenes aspect more and more. Reading about what inspired designers (namely Alexander McQueen and his inspo for editorials) really makes me feel like just about anything can get the creative juices flowing. I love designers who works are considered art. I can fully respect that more than anything. I also am noticing a lot of fashion stylists are branching out into a lot of different areas of fashion, making it more of a lifestyle rather than just styling and wardrobe. That gives me immense hope because being able to do more than just style someone is important. You’re not limited to just one facet. I am excited about the future of fashion and if there isn’t one, I know I can create one. Right now, I am going to continue to focus on learning even more about the industry and what I want to gain from it all.  Until then, I’m keeping quiet on all of that until I know it’s real!

Morning Sun (Son)

I’m up! I’m so use to be up early now because that’s just how my schedule during my work days work for me. And having this little guy makes my body jolt awake early as well. Even if I have a day off from my job, my duties as a mother still prevail through the day! So I must arise! Good morning *insert smiley face*.

So, my trip to L.A. was actually not so bad. I decided to do a lot of walking that day because I hadn’t explored much of anywhere since I’ve been there. I decided that day was the day to do so. I was slightly wrong. That day was horrible. It was extremely hot outside, the hottest day of the week! Maybe even the month. But once I was done attending the open house for the Academy of Art University, I was very happy and in high spirits. I really liked everything that I heard and although they didn’t have an alumni for their Fashion Journalism program to show up (I guess she didn’t feel like coming or she was too booked to do so), I still met up with someone who had some online experience with the school. He was an online instructor for AAU and also alumnus of the school. He gave me some insight on realistic expectations to have for online classes and advice on how to attack your classes but seeing as how I was firmly interested in a different program (he taught an actual art class), he couldn’t really give me too much insight. But I appreciated what he was able to tell me, and I absorbed that information. I carried it with me throughout the day. On my way back to Chinatown (Union Station was in that area), I had made my decision that I would definitely apply for that school. I would do all sorts of grants to have money for school; hopefully win some grant money. I was elated, so much so, that I walked around Chinatown for a little bit. I thought it would make me fall in love with L.A. and it did not. I had wished I hadn’t. I broke a toe nail! I can laugh about it though because I had normal shoes on (actually, had my platform quilted leather canvas shoes that I adore) and it broke! Mayhap from all the walking I had done. I didn’t care at the time but I kind of care now because I need to clip it and it’s shorter than I like. But those are tiny things to concern myself with. Next time, I just want to go to WeHo. So much more nicer and fun!

Fashion week has come and gone and I hadn’t done any reviews because I was so enveloped in my own personal world. I have to come to a decision on whether I deem fashion a center stage or a side performer. I’ve been happy with the way things are going in my life, everything has been working in my favor, and I didn’t want to deviate from anything I was currently doing. Fashion hasn’t excited me this past week because I felt like everything was doing a bit of a reoccurring theme. Style is doing its own thing. I feel a little misguided right now. I really have to take a step back for a moment and really do some more research on my own. That’s how I’ve been feeling-just focus on the more prominent houses who have made the most impact on the fashion world. I need to study, start from the beginning to let my appreciation grow again. I feel so ignorant. I need knowledge in my life! So that’s what I aim to do, gain some more knowledge and then work my way from there. I’m 29, I have time, I hope! I have so much I want to accomplish and I’m giving myself deadlines. Some of those things involve money so I really have to give myself time. Next month is going to be a busy month for me but I’m excited!

Tiny trip to La La Land!

I’m on the train as I type this on my way to the city of Lost Angels. I’ve always wanted to ride the train to L.A., especially on my birthdays, but I never got the chance to actually do so. I even took the time to paint my nails over while I’m here because the chipping was getting on my nerves! I don’t understand how I go to the nail salon and it stays on for a while but when I do it, CHIP! It’s practically off the next day! So ridiculous but I’m going off on a tangent now!

The purpose of this trip is to go to an open house for a school I’m seriously interested in, of course. I wouldn’t pay almost $100 to go to L.A. for nothing! If I had a car, I’d just drive there but, not yet! It’s coming (just like winter in GoT) though, so I’m not too concerned. But, this is better in a way because traffic is avoided! L.A. traffic is NO JOKE! Aside from this frivolous jabber, I’m very excited and nervous to attend this open house. I have to make a decision once I’m there, once I ask my questions and get a feel for the alumni (whom I hope will be there). I’ll have to decide whether to put in the application or continue with my search, or just stay the community college course. Nothing wrong with community college, I just know that I want what I want now, and I don’t want anything to stop me from receiving it. I want to continue to better myself even if I decide not to apply. But here I am, off on this excursion to whet my curiosity. Wish me luck that I: A) don’t get lost and B) don’t lose anything!!!

Don't look at the pimple!
Don’t look at the pimple!

Transitional Moments

Finally, I am back! The move last week nearly did me in, no lie! I was sore the entire two days after moving since my sister was on doctor’s orders not to lift anything that was of heavy load. Unfortunately that meant a lot of things. I was pretty much left to my own devices on the moving and had to enlist the help of a really great friend and her toddler daughter. It really went well then the momentum slowed once we had to move the bed and the couch. Again, I tried to get some assistance from another friend I knew forever but he kind of was already inebriated by 2 in the afternoon (about the time I had asked him) so he said he’d come at 4. Needless to say, 4 came and went and he didn’t respond to my texts or calls. I had to do something. Our landlord(s) wanted us out before daylight was wasted. I really did try my best to make sure I had given everything its time but I think I failed miserably because I had to hire a guy and he didn’t come until about 7. So the sun was already down, and not only that, it was raining on and off (more on than off and heavy too). By the time we got everything moved in to the new place, we had to go back to the old place, make sure the dressers were out of both rooms (one given to the guy who helped and the other was already broken so to the trash that went), and all rooms were as clean as possible. Didn’t get done with the cleaning until 10 o’ clock at night. It was so sad. When I was able to sit down (I hadn’t eaten at all that day, just ran on Gatorade and maybe some pieces of pizza from the night before), my body definitely began to throb from everything that I just endured. My sister, lucky her, didn’t feel a damn thing.

Besides the move, I do have other things in my life that I wanted to have accomplished. School. I have been engaged in conversations with my sister about my desire to complete that one portion of my life. I felt like if I gained more formal knowledge of my passion then I’d be able to do a better job in not just the business I do love, but in my blogs as well. I didn’t know it was a real thing, a job in fashion journalism. I always figured you start off in journalism and maybe start leaning towards a fashion publication once you’ve spent years in a different field-or so it seemed. I’ve read so many things that showed me that a lot of the big names in fashion never really started out IN fashion, they always started off doing something completely different. Some even went to school for science, but in a way, fashion can be a science in itself. It takes a great creative mind to be able to pull together some amazing looks. Or to be able to create/design pieces that are so extraordinary that they become a classic or a standard. I decided I want to be a part of that scene. I may be interested in fashion, but I also love words, but I feel like words are now escaping me. In short term, I feel stupid! I use to be like a thesaurus but now the words I’ve obtained over the years in education have been loosed and I don’t know where they went; that plus pregnancy brain will do you in as well, I really do feel like the child growing inside of you not only takes your food, but your strength, your smarts, and your looks!

I’ve already done research on schools and I’m heavily interested in one school in particular. The price tag is…yikes! but I’m willing to go to their open house, ask a ton of questions, proceed to weigh pros and cons (the price is a huge con for me), then make a decision when I’m at the open house whether I want to apply or look elsewhere. I know I can always go to college closer, but this school sounds phenomenal and more aligned with what I want to do. It’s accredited and relevant to the industry I want to be in. I’m really hoping to be able to attend in the fall, when my son will be attending transitional kindergarten (because he missed getting into actual kindergarten by a day; his birthday is a day after the cut off date) so we both can be learning at the same time, so he can have a reason to look up to me in more ways than one. Me just being his mother isn’t good enough for me anymore. I want to be his mother and an inspiration to him. Plus, I want something I can actually use in life! A degree just sitting pretty on my wall will do nothing more than remind me that I chose something no one really cares about. Or maybe I’m just being very cynical. Either way, I’m going back to school!! I’m excited to embark on another journey in education. This time, it’s going to stick because I’m very excited. Yes…I’m a nerd. Just a little.