Save Yourself

save yourself image

Here’s a little blurb I wrote as apart of a challenge, but I really enjoyed typing it up (“writing” it), and thought why not share it with my peoples? Please read it and leave any thoughts!


Have you ever felt as if you’re always running away, or running into situations you can’t seem to get away from fast enough? I always feel that way. I always feel like I’m on the run, on the move, and I get so tired and run down. But I know it’s no use feeling that way, especially when you are the only one in your city who can save it. Slamming a guy here, choking another guy there, throwing a car half a football field away from a small child. All of this to just hide away when it’s all over. I whine incessantly, but I know this is the way it has to be, the safest way for me to coexist with the people who don’t know me, because I’ve seen what happens to those who save others. The one time you let them down they never forget it, and they never forget you for it. It turns into a love-hate relationship, and not one that is back and forth, no. It’s one where half of them love you, and understand, but the other half? You can never make things right again. Never.

I remember a conversation that I was having with…her name doesn’t matter, I just remember her, and I remember our conversation so vividly. “You can’t save everyone. Sometimes, you have to just save the one person that matters most: yourself. Please try to remember that the next time you start getting down on yourself, okay?” I remember just nodding, because I couldn’t stop beating myself up about the incident that changed my life, and a family’s lives forever.

I also remember the family, the rants, the disappointment, the yelling and screaming on top of the cries. I remember the blood soaked pavement, the arm still outstretched as if reaching for a savior. The arm attached to the broken body. When the body hit, it was like watching a mannequin break but the body still held together by…flesh.

“You could’ve caught her, you could’ve saved her!”

“You’re no hero!”

“Fuck you!!”

“If you’re listening out there, where ever you are, you’re no hero,” said the most popular talk show host in the country on her primetime morning show the next day. Her face was a sneer, full on anger searing through the tv screen. Her eyes were glazed with fresh tears, but her hatred was more realer than the tears. “You’re just some person with abilities. Abilities you barely use. And for all these ‘powers’ you possess, you couldn’t be where you were counted the most to be. You. Are. No. Hero. I hope you heard me, and heard me clearly.”

I couldn’t say she was wrong. I couldn’t say she was right, her cameramen and producers, writers, and staff damn sure weren’t going to tell her any different. Who was I to say differently? I listened. I watched her show that day, and I let her words hit me where it meant to. It pierced more than any bullet, it cut more than any knife to me hearing her say those things, seeing the look in her eyes. She wasn’t the main reason I decided they didn’t need me around as much anymore. I made the decision all on my own, all because of that crumpled mass of human flesh that laid on that pavement.

I still helped. Help. I still let the human in me continue doing the best I could with what was given to me through some miracle, or phenomenon. I still enjoyed making sure some old lady wasn’t mugged by some punks, took them down and made sure she got her bag back. I still enjoyed making sure kids weren’t harmed by an accident, and I made sure to steal myself away as well, back into the shadows as soon as my good deed was accomplished. It was all I could do to ensure that I wasn’t on the news or the internet anymore. If the would-be victim wanted to talk, they could, but I didn’t want to stick around for that. I retreated back to my hideout, and I made sure no one knew where I lived. That as well was important to me. I, too, needed a safe haven, and my apartment was it. Far away and on the outskirts of the city where no one who knew me personally would come looking is where I chose to be. It was safer for everyone that way.

Most nights, I drink. I drink to forget, but always end up remembering, crying. I become a lump of wallowing. I do this even when I’ve had a good night, even when someone is no longer being hurt. I make sure they’re safe, but inside I know I’m just going to die a little.

I drank to forget. But she always visits me. She smiles, and I stop crying for a bit. She comforts me with her words. “Hey big guy, what you crying for?”

“I miss you,” I whimper, tears spilling down my chin.

She walks over to me, her smile warming me down to my toes. She touches my shoulder and leans down in front of me, her hand resting on my shoulder, and her other hand casually caressing my hand that held the bottle of Irish whiskey. “I’m always with you, you know that. I haven’t gone anywhere. Remember what I told you?”

I nod. “How can I forget?”

She sighed, pressing her cheek on mine, and she felt so warm, so real. “Even the strong need a break, need a moment. And you feel. You have to remember that you’re human, too, just different. You can’t save everyone. Sometimes, you have to just save the one person that matters most: yourself. Please try to remember that when you’re sitting here, drinking this poison, okay?”

What she said, what I remember her saying, breaks me down. The tears stream down my face, hiccups became uncontrollable. “B-but you m-m-mattered most to me! YOU! And I couldn’t…I-I couldn’t s-s-s-save you!!”

The chair barely held me. She leaned back to look me in my face as her smile began to waver, then vanished completely as blood poured down her face. In complete horror, I pushed away from the vision, bottle falling from my hand as I stood up abruptly. “Amina, AMINA!! NO!” Then off in the distance, I could hear a menacing chorus of laughter. I balled up my fists, rage filling me up more and more with every second that passed. That laugh that kept feeding my hate, fueling my need to keep fighting on the good side as long as I could. That laugh that stole my Amina from me, and the laugh that I was going to find and choke the life out of.


Bon Voyage, 2017! We won’t miss you!

Free at last, free at last!

We made it through the year. Some of us faring better than others, but here we are nonetheless. I barely made it, and I sincerely mean that. The end of the final week of 2017 brought many, many sick people. Unfortunately, I became one of them, and rung in the New Year Eve with snores and horrid coughs. I didn’t even make it to midnight, that’s how sad it was. Even so, the morning brought me my sense of smell back so I was very happy about that.

I’ve had plenty of rest since being sick since this past Thursday, so I’m feeling a little better. I even woke up in a more positive mood (going from immobile and incapacitated to feeling normal will do that), and had this voice in my head saying, “No more struggling.” It wasn’t ominous. It was more like a promise, as if to say the worst is over and better is arriving. I took that thought and almost let it fade away. I knew I had to keep that going like a mantra though because I truly do need it. 2017 had been an incredibly harsh year for me. I was beginning to think I had done something so horribly wrong that I was just receiving from karma for whatever it was I had done. I knew I didn’t really do anything wrong, except for maybe make a snap decision or two, but other than that I really hadn’t done anything that warranted such a weird year for me. And yet, I can look back and say at least the latter half wasn’t all so bad.

Sure, I struggled, but I also published my first book. That’s one great thing I did! My personal life was pretty golden as well (wasn’t bad at all actually, and still isn’t), my son is still my little maniac whom I love dearly, and my niece is beautiful and healthy! I’m embarking on a new journey of doing what I love without being scared. I have goals I want to achieve, and I’ve learned I can do everything I set myself to doing. It’s me that has to move out of the way and let myself flourish. The ending of 2017 showed me that, and I can carry that all the way through into this new year. I do not have any resolutions, I never really do. I find when I do that, I usually lose the list somewhere, or I don’t take it serious anyway. So instead, I’m going to do what I gotta do without talking too much about it, and just do it. I tend to perform much better that way. I’m dedicated to myself being my best self, and I know it’s coming. For now, I’m going to wish everyone a Happy New Year, best of luck in everything you do, and don’t stop striving! P.S. While you’re here, check out what I HAVE been getting into the latter part of this year with the link here:

and here:







First of Many!

Exciting news!!

The excerpts are no longer just excerpts and extensions of the story I’ve been working on for quite some time. It’s now a fully realized ebook!

That’s correct, it is now an ebook. It is published, and I couldn’t be happier. It’s one of my prouder moments in my life, as I didn’t think I’d ever see it through to completion, but here I am. Here we are. A completed piece of work.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to even publish it frankly. I thought I’d just keep it on my laptop, saved, never to be seen – I was wrong. I was braver than I gave myself credit for. I normally don’t share too much, but I felt like I needed to pull up my big girl underwear and make it do what it do! I am so happy that I made that decision on a late night and just pushed. I’m going to continue to see all of my endeavors through. From henceforth, I will no longer hold back out of fear of the unknown. I will push myself to the edge, and just dive.

‘Voices on the Air’ is available on Amazon Kindle, and it’s my baby! I just birthed a book baby! So please have at it, and express your thoughts on this so that I can continue to grow into the author I want to be.

‘Voices on the Air’ Amazon Kindle

When She’s Done, What’s Next?

Well, I’ve done it.

I have done it! I’ve managed to finish a story! In all of my years of being someone who loves to create little stories here and there, I’ve never finished them, ever! I’ve started them, and they’ve sounded amazing, but then they just sort of died. Sad little deaths. I’ve allowed the stories to disappear in my head; characters wiped clean from my mind, their world: gone. I would move on to something else because that’s how I used to work. Very fleeting, barely there. I would be quickly inspired by something else and that’s all it took for me.

I love to imagine characters and build a story about them as much as I can, immediately. I never ease into it, I used to always just dive right in. With this, however, I wanted to try and take my time. And so I did. Two years worth. On and off, like a relationship that was almost not going to make it but now here we are – married.

Melded perfectly and accepting one another in all of glory and dirt. Except, like me, she needs some work. She needs some internal work, so we’re going to fix her up. We’re going to make her better. She’s great right now, but it feels like she can definitely benefit from having some things added or cut. She’s in the process of seeing someone about that right now. I’m going to be there to hold her hand through it out and watch the beauty come shining through. And I’ve made this strange now…

Moving on! I said all of that to say that I managed to do something I didn’t think I knew I could do. But I made it happen and I’ve had some sleepy (yes, sleepy, because I definitely stayed up later than I should have, but I still got some sleep so no sleepless nights just yet caused by writing) nights. Yet it was all worth it though, because now I can breathe easy knowing I did it. I do feel an odd sense of accomplishment because of it. I feel like I can complete anything now, and that’s really good to hear because I’m still in the process of finishing up junior college to obtain my degree! But it makes me feel really good. I feel solid. I’ve made one of my characters come to an actual end of her story, but I intend on making it into a series so she’s not done yet, not for a while. I’m not done, but just the beginning of it is laid down. The foundation is there. I’m going to keep building on it. And I want to take you all along for the ride.

You strive, or you die…

Sounds ominous, but it’s really not.

What I mean by that is in today’s world, we’re all really just surviving. Day to day. Pay check to paycheck. Hand to mouth. It all feels like this cyclic struggle that seems to be encapsulating us and I, for one, really am bored of it. I’m literally sick and tired of being sick and tired, always thinking what can I do to better my situation? Besides get this degree I’ve been slaving over, on top of motherhood, and full-time work, what else can I do? What can EYE do?

You hear the words “multiple streams of income” and think, sounds awesome, I need to get in on that. What can I do to create an opportunity for myself to get in on this many streamed money team? Who do I have to sleep with to get a money tree around here?! The answer is quite simple: yourself.

The answer is also not so simple. This new age is a time for the ultimate hustlers. People with the gift to sell. They can sell you something you probably have bought many times from somewhere else, but because they have this incredible talent to talk your money out of your pockets, to make you feel like you NEED said product in your life, you will part with you greens. Happily, might I add. You will give it up. Easy. Later on you might regret it, but at the moment you can only think ‘Wow, what a bargain!’ and just coast on through life for the next week or so with no worries.

I say all this to say, in this time, we have to do so much more than survive. We have to strive. We have to get in the mindset that we are going to see a better tomorrow, even if we have to struggle today. The struggle is the part that is going to build the character you need. I’m learning this the hard way. The struggle for me is to keep doing things I don’t really enjoy, until I get to the position where I can step back and give myself wholly to what I DO love. I’m doing things the hard way. Never meant to, but I guess in the words of my son, “The world made me this way.”

And with such sweet and strong words, I bid you adieu and goodnight!

Sidenote: feel free to check out my written works on Vocal Media! Thanks in advance!

Vocal Media



(Excerpt Six)

Like D had mentioned, corporate (well more like some of their reps) was making their rounds. The week came and they had decided to come in a little later, something about unforeseen interruptions. It didn’t matter to any of us at our office as we were prepared for them. We were a boring lot anyway, we rarely had any issues that we knew would hinder us from running our “shop” the best way possible. Our employees were satisfied, happy even. Service seemed to be the best it could be this month, so numbers were shooting up. It looked like the corp folks were in for a treat!
The day I decided to be a little on the late side was when I walked into the conference room, and was immediately hit with a musk of strong cologne. The smell overtook the entire space it felt like, and it was debilitating to my sense of smell, but I smiled through it. Choking was a tender word for what was happening to me at that moment.
I walked in and was immediately introduced to a few chairmen, one chairwoman (Carla; I only remembered because she was the only woman and she smelled very sweet), and finally, the man we had all been waiting for: Andrei. He was very tall. That was the first thought that came to mind when I saw him. His handshake was very firm, he barely smiled, and he didn’t really say anything. He just nodded his head like that was enough. His eyes were definitely worth remembering, as they were a very confusing thing for me because I couldn’t tell if they were hazel, green, gold, or what! I just knew there was something about him. Something more. I let that stay on my mind as I mingled around the room. I ended up getting stuck with talking to chairman Bob Rossford. He was old, wrinkly, pale, and probably was the reason for the over indulgence in cologne. As I was speaking with him, it was wafting off of him quite viciously. He kept trying to get closer to me and I kept backing away bit by bit, without trying to look like I was trying to escape. He wasn’t funny but he thought he was. I just humored him by laughing when he did. My fake laugh wasn’t too bad.
And while I was trying to give him some of my attention, I let my eyes slide over to where Andrei was. He was quietly watching everyone. He wasn’t talking to anyone. And then he caught me looking. I tried hard not to look too much but it was odd that he didn’t feel like talking to anyone in the room. I took the time to take notes on him with every sneaking glance I had of him. He had dark wavy hair, maybe even black, with a part to the side. You could tell he took pride in his appearance as no hair was really out of place but also looked like he wasn’t trying too hard, if that was possible. He had a nose that looked like it had been broken once, as there was a scar on the bridge of his nose. His skin was very tanned, more tanned than D, and D was a beautifully sun-kissed Greek. He had a bit of a mustache that didn’t interrupt the fullness of his top lip that led into the fullness of his bottom lip. He had dark lashes that were so thick that it looked like he was wearing mascara, but he wasn’t. His navy suit was expertly tailored and fit him like a glove with no tie, top two buttons undone on his almost grey dress shirt. He appeared to be at least 6’2. I considered myself somewhat good at judging height and that’s what I was getting from him. His shoes were hard-soled, black, and shiny. And under all that, was an energy. A great sense of power, like you knew he was the man in charge of everyone in the room. His silence spoke volumes.
I was almost tempted to bother him but someone beat me to it. D walked over and introduced himself and finally Andrei cracked a genuine smile, or it looked genuine, as they shook hands. And Andrei started talking. I wanted to lean in closer to their direction to hear what his voice sounded like but I didn’t want to be too rude to Mr. Rossford. Well, anymore rude than I probably already was unbeknownst to him. He was in good spirits and needed someone to stick around and humor him. I obliged but I kept throwing my eyes in D and Andrei’s direction. I caught a bit of their conversation because D was just that loud, and it sounded like they weren’t speaking any English. And I finally caught a hint of what Andrei sounded like and it was a deep and haunting voice. Smooth and thick like molasses. He played with his mustache a little, almost like it was a nervous touch that he did but I didn’t know him at all or enough to make that sort of assumption. Then he caught my gaze again. It was getting unnerving for me to keep letting that happen but I was being nosy. So it was my own doing.
Then it looked like Andrei was excusing himself and was walking over to me and Mr. Rossford’s direction, and he was. He put his hand on Mr. Rossford’s shoulder and Bob looked up at him. “Oh, Mr. Vulpes, care to jump in on this little conversation?”
Andrei smiled. “No, Bob, I just came to dismiss you while I spoke to this young lady who seems to have a staring issue.” He pronounced the ‘s’ in issue like you’d say ‘sue’, the name. His accent was quite thick. I couldn’t place the accent though.
Bob gave a hearty laugh. “Well, let me leave you to it!” Bob turned his attention back to me. “Seems a little reprimanding is in order for you. No one has ever told you that staring is rude?”
I was confused and probably looked it as I watched Bob walk away and harass Morissa, who didn’t seem like she had the patience for it.
“I’m Mr. Vulpes, your name is?”
I returned my attention back to Andrei who had his arms crossed and was giving me stern eyes. “I’m Makaela, and I wasn’t staring. Well, I wasn’t trying to,” I told him, and it was true. I really wasn’t trying to stare but he was rather odd to me.
He didn’t say anything, just looked at me. Maybe even through me. Then I saw him look me straight in my eyes then his eyes went down like he was sizing me up, then back up into my eyes. I was wondering if I should be offended in that moment. “What do you do here?”
I was feeling nervous all of a sudden. I cleared my throat a bit, then spoke. “I’m the operations manager. And what do you do?”
I tried to be funny but it looked like it wasn’t going to work on him. He just kept on with that so-serious look. He didn’t answer my question, just kept on glaring at me. Almost like he was having thoughts. Maybe not nice ones. Or giving me a taste of my own medicine since I was stealing little stares at him earlier, or glancing. I was hoping I wasn’t going to be fired. He made a sound like ‘hm’ and smoothed his forefinger and thumb over his mustache. I noticed the cupid’s bow on his top lip was prominent and I liked that. He had nice lips but then I noticed the split in his top lip on the right corner, a scar. Then I snapped out of that and reminded myself he’s the boss.
“I apologize if I was staring, I honestly wasn’t trying to.” I took a sip of my water that I came into the room with. He still didn’t budge.
“Makaela. That’s a nice name.” He unfurled his arms from across his chest, to let them rest at his sides.
He definitely had a strong accent, and was confirmed to be one I hadn’t heard before, but a strong European accent for sure. Now that he was closer to me, I could see his eyes were indeed hazel, and they held gold and green flecks within them. He had high cheek bones. He was very well sculpted, accept for that nose. It wasn’t crooked or anything but there was a bump there, just a tad. He was looking me over too, I could tell. So we were both being a little rude in the moment, staring at one another. He smoothed his hair back a bit and it barely moved. He probably had a lot of holding spray in it for it to hold its shape the way it was. He was slim but more than likely an athletic slim figure, not without muscles. I could just tell.
I then felt like he was towering over me all of a sudden. I knew he was tall but he made me feel incredibly small in that moment, looking at him.
“I am a little unsure what to ask you about now,” I gave a nervous chuckle. He barely cracked a smile but he did allow for a bit of curl of the lips. His energy seemed to relax a bit as well.
“You are nervous and I don’t see why. I am just a worker, like you. I just happen to work from a higher…um…position. I am sorry, my English still leaves much to be desired. I do not visit the U.S. often. I only practice when I need to. So forgive me.” He tucked his right hand into his pocket. “My apologies. I’m Andrei. Vulpes.”
He still didn’t offer me his hand to shake so I just nodded. “Nice to meet you but you already introduced yourself. Some of us here were curious about you.”
“You shouldn’t be. I’m very stale.” He finally smiled. He was breaking a little at a time.
“Well, we just want to see the man behind the title.”
“Were you curious?” He asked as he kept his eyes on mine. It was making me uneasy, as he was my boss’s boss’s boss, and he was very attractive.
“I was. Kind of.” I was going to mention how Andy and Morissa were the most curious but I kept my mouth shut on that. “How do you like it here so far?”
He shrugged. “I’m not in love. Not my style. I miss my country honestly. I am here for business and business only, so I do not intend on getting too comfortable or familiar here. I will do my duties and see myself away from here soon enough.”
He sounded like he didn’t too much care for his new position and that was freaking me out because he was the CEO, and here he was, admitting that he wasn’t a fan already.
“I’m sorry to hear that.” I wasn’t really sorry.
“It is quite alright. You have a lot of sushi here. Why?” He looked seriously perplexed.
I let out a snicker. “I don’t know. Sushi is very popular here.”
“You should show me a good sushi place. Maybe you can make me love it.” He looked serious again. I could tell he wasn’t joking, although I secretly wished he were. He didn’t look like someone who joked a lot. His English was sounding a bit better as well.
“Are you for real?” I was honestly astonished. I felt like my eyeballs were about to push through my lids.
“Yes, I’m very serious. I want to see what’s so delicious about this sushi. I don’t eat sushi.”
Um. “Oh. Oh. Okay. I can do that. Should we bring the rest of the group in on this?”
“No. They’ve had sushi. I have not. I don’t want them all around. I just want you.” He touched my arm tentatively. Then dropped his hand back to his side. He was being weird and it was making me feel awkward. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t scream sexual harassment. Not then anyway. This attention was my own fault. After he touched me, I looked around to see if anyone noticed. No one seemed to be paying us any mind.
“Well,” I started, then took another sip of my water. He was making my mouth incredibly dry. I kept looking into his eyes. I swallowed quickly and finally finished, “I don’t see the harm in showing you a good sushi spot. You sure you don’t want to bring someone with? Besides myself, of course.”
He shook his head, his hair still stayed in place. “No. Just you. Just me.”
I nodded quickly. I looked around again to see if anyone was watching us, and they weren’t, or appeared to be better at sneaking looks than I was. Now I was in trouble, all because I was looking too much. “Okay. I can do that.”
“Perfect. I will get your information and we will take a car service. I will arrange for this. You just make sure to think of the best place to show me.”
And he turned and walked away from me, leaving me to wonder what the hell just happened. I felt somewhat embarrassed and foolish. My boss’s boss’s boss basically was forcing me to go on a date with him, and he probably didn’t know it. Or, maybe he did.

Do We Have A Purpose?

screen-shot-2014-06-21-at-11.34.56-am.pngI have to step back for a moment and really think about it.

I have to ask myself do I have a purpose? What could it possibly be? Is it something that will just come to me or do I have to go out there and actually find what it is I should be doing?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty sure we all have something we love doing, the one thing that you could see yourself doing forever, but what if you’re someone who is good at a lot of things? How can you pick just one thing to focus on? That’s where my problem lies.

I’m really great at communicating (I get nervous of course, but I know how to stop, take a breath, and continue on even when I experience a bit of “word-vomit”), I’m personable, I’m completely relatable, and I know how to connect with people on a personal level. I also am a creative person, that’s how I get excited about a lot of subjects. Anything that I feel is a creative outlet, I’m there. I am also into reading and writing (sounds incredibly cliched but it’s very true; I have a mountain of books and I have a story that I’m currently doing as well), heavily! I try to find new ways to express myself when it comes to writing. Hence why I do try to blog. Where I am somewhat of an extrovert, I do have my introvert moments. I like to stay behind sometimes, and I think that’s what’s keeping me from being even more out there. That’s hurting me but I don’t change it. Maybe I should?

This brings me to purpose and why it is I’m having a bit of a “time” with it. I know what I’m great at, then what I’m good at, and what I’m bad at. I try to focus on my strengths more than anything, but I also understand that I can’t do many things at once (or can I? See? That’s my problem!). I know I have to focus on one thing that I know I can do exceedingly well. The issue I’m having is can I turn that into something I can monetize so that I’m not a miserable Betty. Another thing is quantifying that and putting it into action someway, somehow. Then there is the over-saturation with the main thing I know I love, because now, everyone thinks they’re a guru and knows what they’re doing and talking about.

As of late, however, I have recently decided instead of continuously thinking about it, and talking about it, I should just put action behind it. I’ve been incredibly inspired by getting more into a few social media outlets that have connected me to a whole new source of strength; a renewed vision of what I want. I’m not saying I may have found my purpose, but I’m excited about something and I haven’t been in long time. It still ties into the main thing I really wanted to partake in, but I want to attack it in a different way, and get people really interested in it. The fact that I’m elated about it let’s me know I may be on the right path to finding what it is I want to do for the rest of my life.

NeverEnding Story

Life has been taking some very interesting twists and turns as of late, and ever since I’ve taken space away from my blogs.

I’ve moved (twice), I’ve resigned myself to finishing school (and gaining my Bachelors in BA), and have lost two jobs (due to no fault of the employees’ own). So to say that I’m feeling a little uninspired is not saying much at all.

The ride has been mildly entertaining, although I have definitely been going through a full range of emotions, from sad to angry and depressed to cheerfully optimistic. The only constant that has been a true pillar for me is my son, and that’s probably more than enough, because I can’t ever let myself really fall apart around him, no mater what. I wouldn’t dare let myself get down enough to let him feel the energy around that would affect him in a negative way. I always want him to be happy and to smile, no matter what I’m going through internally. The confusion, however, is slowly taking over.

I am trying to get away from the familiar but a lot pulls me back into the field I know so well. As much as I want to stray and put my energy into something else, something more fulfilling, I am holding myself back. It’s a sad case, but one I am battling all of the time. I’ve been trying to keep going, to keep myself busy and distracted with other work for other people, but it always comes back to what do I want. That’s the question I am continuously asking myself. I am serious need of some real evaluation. I think that would really make me feel more inspired. The industry I love, I feel, is falling down little by little. If I want to continue on this path, I will have to take some risks, and create my own path if I’m going to stick around.

I know one thing for certain, I am going to make sure I always leave room for this outlet.

More Moves, Less Announcements

I’ve done a lot of reflecting, mainly while on the trolley on my way to work, and it has dawned on me that every time I have planned something, or let everyone know what I’m working on ahead of time, it never panned on. I don’t know if that’s silly superstition on my part, or the universe moving those plans around because I get so excited that I have to spread the news as far and wide as possible. At any rate, I said to myself, ‘Self, we need to just DO it, and not talk about it.’ Be about it. Makes more sense of course, but it’s always easier said than done.

I have a number of things I want to do. I am definitely holding myself accountable, even if I talked them up. A lot of things I see for myself I know are achievable I just need to actually get through it all. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’ve also noticed that my procrastination level has gone down significantly and I’ve realized why that is, and it’s because all of the goals I have set happen to be quite significant to my life and development. So that has helped me majorly in making sure I can stick to what I said I would do. Most of the goals are personal, however, they are crucial to building the life I really want for myself and my son. Speaking of my son, he is making incredible strides as far as wanting to learn. He’s still being a brat in school every now and then, but when he’s determined to learn something, he is all in. I wish I could have that same commitment. He’s already showing signs of the “perfection disease” (of course it’s not a real disease). He wants whatever he is doing to be perfect and when he’s learning a new letter, he wants to do it over and over again until it looks very similar to the one on the card. I am incredibly proud of him in that regard. I think I can learn a thing or two from him about that. He may be a huge inspiration for me when it comes to staying committed to a project or goal.

I’ve been noticing my feelings towards fashion has changed. I still love it, I just notice that I’m loving the behind the scenes aspect more and more. Reading about what inspired designers (namely Alexander McQueen and his inspo for editorials) really makes me feel like just about anything can get the creative juices flowing. I love designers who works are considered art. I can fully respect that more than anything. I also am noticing a lot of fashion stylists are branching out into a lot of different areas of fashion, making it more of a lifestyle rather than just styling and wardrobe. That gives me immense hope because being able to do more than just style someone is important. You’re not limited to just one facet. I am excited about the future of fashion and if there isn’t one, I know I can create one. Right now, I am going to continue to focus on learning even more about the industry and what I want to gain from it all.  Until then, I’m keeping quiet on all of that until I know it’s real!

Morning Sun (Son)

I’m up! I’m so use to be up early now because that’s just how my schedule during my work days work for me. And having this little guy makes my body jolt awake early as well. Even if I have a day off from my job, my duties as a mother still prevail through the day! So I must arise! Good morning *insert smiley face*.

So, my trip to L.A. was actually not so bad. I decided to do a lot of walking that day because I hadn’t explored much of anywhere since I’ve been there. I decided that day was the day to do so. I was slightly wrong. That day was horrible. It was extremely hot outside, the hottest day of the week! Maybe even the month. But once I was done attending the open house for the Academy of Art University, I was very happy and in high spirits. I really liked everything that I heard and although they didn’t have an alumni for their Fashion Journalism program to show up (I guess she didn’t feel like coming or she was too booked to do so), I still met up with someone who had some online experience with the school. He was an online instructor for AAU and also alumnus of the school. He gave me some insight on realistic expectations to have for online classes and advice on how to attack your classes but seeing as how I was firmly interested in a different program (he taught an actual art class), he couldn’t really give me too much insight. But I appreciated what he was able to tell me, and I absorbed that information. I carried it with me throughout the day. On my way back to Chinatown (Union Station was in that area), I had made my decision that I would definitely apply for that school. I would do all sorts of grants to have money for school; hopefully win some grant money. I was elated, so much so, that I walked around Chinatown for a little bit. I thought it would make me fall in love with L.A. and it did not. I had wished I hadn’t. I broke a toe nail! I can laugh about it though because I had normal shoes on (actually, had my platform quilted leather canvas shoes that I adore) and it broke! Mayhap from all the walking I had done. I didn’t care at the time but I kind of care now because I need to clip it and it’s shorter than I like. But those are tiny things to concern myself with. Next time, I just want to go to WeHo. So much more nicer and fun!

Fashion week has come and gone and I hadn’t done any reviews because I was so enveloped in my own personal world. I have to come to a decision on whether I deem fashion a center stage or a side performer. I’ve been happy with the way things are going in my life, everything has been working in my favor, and I didn’t want to deviate from anything I was currently doing. Fashion hasn’t excited me this past week because I felt like everything was doing a bit of a reoccurring theme. Style is doing its own thing. I feel a little misguided right now. I really have to take a step back for a moment and really do some more research on my own. That’s how I’ve been feeling-just focus on the more prominent houses who have made the most impact on the fashion world. I need to study, start from the beginning to let my appreciation grow again. I feel so ignorant. I need knowledge in my life! So that’s what I aim to do, gain some more knowledge and then work my way from there. I’m 29, I have time, I hope! I have so much I want to accomplish and I’m giving myself deadlines. Some of those things involve money so I really have to give myself time. Next month is going to be a busy month for me but I’m excited!