Autumn Leaves

I have been waiting and waiting…and waiting, like everyone else, for fall weather to come into our lives. San Diego (California as a whole) doesn’t give us much options when it comes to seasonal weathering (not sure if I put that correctly but let’s just go with it for now) because all we get is hot, lukewarm, somewhat cold, “oh my gosh, I need a jacket!” back to hell’s furnace! So imagine my surprise when we finally got rain only to have it taken away the very next day. I sometimes wish for a storm, but we all know a storm won’t be happening for some time because we’re right back to warmth again. Truth be told, I’m more than slightly over the heat, we need something else and fast! Enough of the rant…

I have been in a bit of a slump emotionally and I’m still not sure how to go about it because everyday, I have to keep moving forward, keep working, keep occupied, and keep living when sometimes I just want to sit down and think. I haven’t had time to do that and when I do have time, I don’t do it. I’m a silly mixed up web in the head. At the moment, I’m feeling better, hopeful. But I’m still dealing with some issues inside that I am sure I will soon deal with and get over and heal from but for now, I’m still just inside looking out. I’m feeling like I’m in this stagnant place, no forward movement emotionally. As many ideas as I have about how to propel myself forward, I can’t for the life of me seem to find it in me to put forth the action. I will be the first to admit that I have had some problems with procrastination, always thinking putting something off for tomorrow is ok when it can be done today. Then tomorrow turns into next week, next week turns into next month, and then what? You’d have lost so much in that space of time when you could’ve gained even more. I realized this earlier on in my adult life. Unfortunately, when you then have a child, you’re really screwed! You have to go around your child’s schedule. You, your career, or future aspirations are no longer the focal point. They really take a backseat to that life that you were given to protect and care for. Motherhood is a blessing. But it’s also a challenge, one you have to try and get the hang of as quickly as you can or risk being trampled.

I thought I had a grip on motherhood, that I could do it all. Then once a monkey wrench was thrown into my grand scheme of things, I had to try and find a different trajectory. I had to regain my balance and once the balance was found, get the schedule back in order. For some reason, the wrench that was thrown at me has been a thorn in my side. I have been dealing with it and becoming a private crier all at once. I started feeling overwhelmed and I didn’t want anyone to know what I was feeling or going through because to me, it would’ve been a sign of weakness for me to admit that I’ve fallen behind in so much. I tried to keep my thoughts as positive as possible and for the most part, it has worked. I’m starting to come into the light bit by bit. Career wise, it has stalled but I will be able to pick back up as soon as possible but my life has to get its order back. I still have so much I need to accomplish. And I will get there. Now, if only we can get some more rain!!!!